Secret Santa

I've not had time to blog for some time, but Christmas brings all the jokers out in the office. This years Secret Santa was fairly tame. Tom got a giant inflatable football, which he spent most of the rest of the morning blowing up. Then realising he would have to deflate it to take home, on the bus, he spent most of the afternoon squeezing it to get all the air out again. In the end he got someone to drive him home with it half deflated.

Jason had bumped into Tim in the 24 hour Asda, buying cat-food, in his running kit. Jason was buying his Secret Santa present for Tee, who sits across the way from him. Strangely he opted for a ladies jumper. He came into work early to wrap it and explained that he was going to wait for Tee to wear it, then tell him that he wears women's clothes. Unfortunately for him, as soon as it was un-wrapped, Elaine said "That's a woman's jumper". Tee then went round all the women in the office asking what size jumper they took, with a few funny looks. It was a size 14, but he didn't realise that it was quite large for any of the women in our section. Eventually one of the girls from the 6th floor came down for something, a little larger, who admitted to being a size 12. When she saw the jumper she thought that it was nice and would probably fit her.

With Jason's joke backfiring, he was more miserable to open up his present, which was a ball (meant for exercising with). The trouble with this was that Nev brought him a ball, for playing with in water, last year - which he had moaned about for over a month, since we had decided to do a Secret Santa this year. He was so wound up that he told everyone that he's never going to participate in Secret Santa again.

Course

I was quite shocked by the guy that has been taking the course I have been on for the last couple of days. He's an old Yorkshire-man in his sixties and for some reason during the coffee breaks, probably because the other people on the course were much younger, he kept coming over and talking to me to ask how I thought the course was going. We got quite chatty and he was telling me all sorts of stuff about where he was going to consult for the rest of the week, and being his own boss he could spend the following week just playing golf.
So during one of the coffee breaks, while we were down one end of the tea-room, he told me that he had been biting his tongue quite a bit over the time we had been on the course. Where he came from there were very few people of different race, and he was used to talking about them in quite derogatory terms. I could understand that the area where I work is quite multi-racial, but he actually came out with the word "n1**er", which shocked me partly became there were no actual black people on the course, only an Indian girl and a mixed-race girl.
I didn't know whether I was happy with him confiding such things to me.
He was quite odd in other ways, such as saying "electroplating" instead of "electrocuting" when we were discussing the Health & Safety element of the course.

Jason's trip

Before I went on holiday, Jason was telling me about his cousin who had been invited on a hen week holiday in Spain. Jason was telling him he should go, and get him an invite too.

On my return on Monday, Lee told me that Jason had booked the holiday- at last minute- and had gone at the weekend. He had just split from his on/off girlfriend and was enjoying his freedom now. He thought it would be great, just him and his cousin and about ten young ladies.

Lee had got a text from Jason at the airport though saying that the girls were very noisey, I'm not sure that they will last the week with them.

Short shrift

One of the women in the office has left us in the lurch and gone on maternity leave for four months. So this week we have interviewed five temps to replace her. One of the guys that we saw was tiny and looked like he should still have been at school. He was actually in his twenties and had a previous job before being made redundant. My boss, who was interviewing with me, is quite short anyway, so when I went back up to the office after the interview to ask the others what they thought about the little fella no one could believe he had left school.

I had to add my own thoughts though. That my boss would have had someone who would look up to him.

Jason forgets his clothes

Curiously someone had made Monday dress-down day instead of Friday. Of course about a third of the staff forgot over the weekend and came in their usual clothes. Jason, for one, forgot completely. He’s taken to cycling into work though. He came in late on Monday because he had forgot his trousers, so he had caught a taxi back home and come back with his usual work trousers on. He was a bit unhappy to find two thirds of the staff in jeans. He made us laugh last week though because he had forgot his underpants, so had his cycling shorts on under his trousers. He asked to have a half days holiday for the afternoon because he was so uncomfortable sitting at his desk with them on.

The same theme tune

I am finding Nev increasingly difficult to take seriously. He talks about motivating the staff, yet seems the least motivated of the bunch, and most active to try and move on. When he gets a bollocking from his manager he always passes this down and tells everyone to cut out the chat and joking around. He always laughs at Jason though when he comes out with one of his stories. But most of all I find him really funny when he is trying to come out with a well known phrase that someone else has obviously used to him, but he can’t remember properly. Today he was passing down a bollocking and came out with:
“We have to all be singing from the same theme tune, or whatever.”

Playing Fast Ball with the boss

I still get the odd e-mail from my previous boss. I'm not sure if the term fast ball really goes with the word faffing. I think that just using the term fast ball makes him a dickhead:

“Team, please be advised that the attached is a bit of a fast
ball!
There appears to be some confusion of who should be completing
the Diversity Course – Managers, Team Leaders or both.
As it only takes
an hour and all training is good training, save faffing about, can you all
please complete the course before the end of the month.”

Nev's new laptop

Nev has had his desktop PC replaced with a laptop. He had it for the week before he went on holiday. The first day he was late in because he had to turn round and go home to fetch it. For the rest of the week he was wittering that he was going to forget it one day. On his first day back off holiday, yesterday, he came in asking if there was anyone off on holiday today. I pointed out that Jason was off sitting two exams.

“Good he said, I can use his machine for the day.”

Then sheepishly in a quieter tone:

…”I’ve left my laptop at home.”

Suspicious Security man

There is a big TV screen in reception which gets turned on around dinnertime, for some reason, showing Sky News. Allan and myself came out of the revolving doors to go home early one afternoon. The picture on the screen was that of the paedophile that was involved as a suspect in the Madeleine McCann investigation. The security guard, at the reception desk, standing underneath the screen showed an amazing resemblance to the photograph. I pointed it out to Allan, but we didn’t turn him in to the police.

Swine Flu Update

A couple of weeks ago we got this e-mail:

Swine Flu update
Updated swine flu advice for managers
You may have heard
today that a case of swine flu is suspected on site. The individual concerned
here.
This note is to explain the situation to you so that you can deal
with any concerns your team may raise. It is not designed for onward cascade but
to help you answer questions in a low-key way.
While we should remain
vigilant and follow simple hygiene measures, at this stage a positive diagnosis
would not result in a need to change our business as usual behaviour or
practices.
As such, there is no need to avoid travel here.
What this
means
In an organisation the size of ours, it is perhaps inevitable that we
will see cases at some point during the outbreak.
Steps we have
taken
Today both the Central Pandemic Planning Group and the Incident
Management Team met to ensure we respond in line with our pandemic action
plans.
What you should do
This note is not for onward cascade but
please read through it and prepare for any questions your team may
have.
Supporting your team
The information below will give you the details
you need to answer any questions or concerns that your teams may have. Should
you need further detail, refer to the Portal, where you can read the latest
swine flu update and follow links to NHS advice. The risk of infection remains low. Close
contact, meaning within 1m for an hour or more, is needed for the virus to
potentially spread from person to person. We should all remain vigilant and
follow simple hygiene measures as this is the single most effective way
to slow the spread of viruses including swine flu.

John, one of the Team Leaders of another section shouts:

"Have you had that e-mail about the swine flu? It says to avoid travelling to
here.
No I haven’t had that one. They must have only sent it to Team
Leaders, they don’t care about us operators…Does that mean we can all go
home."

Later on:

“I think we should be told if it’s anyone in our department… not necessarily who
though.”
“I think they should tell us who, and then make them wear a big
yellow star on their shirt…or an orange jump suit.”
“John, re-read your
e-mail…it says you don’t have to avoid travelling here.”

John starts coughing very unconvincingly. We all laughed.
John adds:

"You’re more likely to get killed on your way home tonight."

Sue:

"Thanks for that John."

On yer bike

Jason is now cycling to work and in with the cycling crowd now. Every now and then they come up and tell him that his bike has got a puncture, when it hasn’t. “The good news…” one of them was telling him”…is that it’s only flat at the bottom of the tyre.” Hilarious stuff.
Today he actually went down to take a look, because they were so insist ant, and he did have a flat tyre. Luckily Jason was on a half day and was being picked up by his girlfriend, not cycling home.

Old Mill

After the meeting I had with Junior and one of the Dave’s this morning, Dave was telling me about his recent trip with overnight stay for work. He told us that he’d had to stay over in a village with Rob, who works on his section. He’s not particularly keen on him and quite surprised after they’d booked in Rob had looked at the amenities in the surrounding area and offered a trip to the Old Mill to Dave, only a short walk around the corner from the hotel. Sadly for Dave, when they got round the corner, it was actually an old mill, not the pub he was expecting. As soon as they’d got onto the main street he saw the barbers and told Rob he was going to get his hair cut. Needless to say he didn’t enjoy his works outing with his team-mates.

More concerning was the last trip out Junior had been on with some of the managers, where he referred to them as “Coked out of their head”.

Lottery Rollover

Sadly we are doing the Euro lottery quite frequently now, because nobody has won the big Rollover (currently at 80million). We won £6 last week because we got a line with both “Lucky stars” on, so I suggested that they each pay 30p and we play again this week. Collecting the money; Eric asked if I had got ten pence change. Before my mind engaged I asked
“Why, have you got a 40p piece?”

Of course had had got two twenty pence pieces.

No Fun Sunday

One of the guys in the office walked in first thing on Monday and announced that he had been on the toilet all Sunday. One of the girls said that she had been sick all Thursday. He said this was just diarrhea, with no sickness,

“I just felt like I had to go to the toilet all day.”
“Did you have enough
company toilet paper?” asked one of the other girls.

(He collects the part used rolls of toilet paper from the toilets in the morning, because he found out that the cleaners throw them away and put new ones on every day anyway). He carried on to tell us that all he did yesterday was iron and go to the toilet. He had told us about his routine of getting up at 7.00 in the morning on a Sunday and doing all the ironing. He then complained about his wife’s fancy clothes from Next. I don’t mind a few pleats, but when there’s twisted material, or on bit joined to another.

Lottery Winners

With the rollover for the Euro millions being £66,000 everyone has got lotto fever, and they all wanted to have a go. Jason told us that if he won he would smash up his house, which is quite disturbing. When the conversation changed to if he would come back to work, he told us that he would come in to work to rub everyone's nose in it. He was going to park his new Porsche sideways across the disabled parking bays (I don't know what the disabled have done to him).

Jason: "I would buy everyone in the building breakfast, ...but put a £2
limit on it."
Me: "Why would you put a £2 limit on it if you'd won millions?"
Jason: "You know what people are like...someone would take the piss."

He finished off his fantasy and then askwed what I would do. I told himk that it was so unlikely to happen that I hadn't given it much thought.

Me: "You're more likely to drop dead in the office of a heart
attack."
Jason: "Thanks Ed...ou really know how to look on the bright side."

Tendon

Dave has torn a tendon in his hand and isn’t in for a few days. The hospital informed him that he must have lifted something heavy. He didn’t know what.
bedfore he went off sick, he was joking all Friday that he couldn’t go to the toilet, because that was too heavy.

Grand Result

I have moved from one end of the office to the other recently, and I can already tell who is going to be the new star of my blog.

Friday brought the usual Grand National sweep. Lester had organised it and brought round the list of horses with the odds and the space for writing the name in one column. He’d also got a plastic cup full of the names of the horses for picking out. Jason took out one name, then while Lester was busy writing down names, he saw that it was a 100-1 outsider and put it back and picked out another name. He was happier with his second choice Black Apalachi, being only 14-1. On the Monday he was mad because he had thrown the winner back in. To rub salt into the wounds, I had pulled the winner out after him. He suggested we share the winnings, because without him throwing the winner back in, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to pick him out.

Wrist action

Junior has a group of friends he goes drinking with, who he managed to get jobs for here. One such friend, Darren, Was walking past this morning and he gave him some abuse about the previous night out. It turns out that they had been playing darts (they are bottom of the league). His friend had lost his match, and so his team had lost. Intrigued by this I asked:

Me: “Did you win your match then?”
Junior: “Yes, of course.”
Me: “With your broken wrist? How do you manage?”
Junior: “Well it does give me a bit of a problem if I get it in the wrong position.”

He gestures as if he’s throwing his dart. Becky is silent, covering her mouth in case she bursts out laughing at him.

Indiana Eric

Eric comes to work by bus and has brought himself a new hat for keeping the rain off him. It’s a brown thing with a brim all round. With his brown leather jacket he looks like he wants to be Indiana Jones. Clive and myself have mentioned it to him. I’m not sure how much stick he must get on the bus and in the street.

Cancer Awareness

There was a cancer awareness day on down in the canteen. There was one stand which was devoted to stopping smoking, but had no takers, I took a look and asked if I could have some stuff for Tom, the only guy on our section who smokes. I took him some literature, but also a mouse-mat and pen with “National No Smoking Day” on.
Then there was a stand for breast and testicular cancer awareness, which included a pair of breasts and a set of testicles, which were supposed to show what abnormalities you should look for. Clive was down there for some time so we were joking that they couldn’t get him away from the breasts.
Later on the women from the office went down and told us all about what they had got up to down there. They reckoned that one of the men doing one of the tests was nice looking and had lovely eyes. So when he got round to asking if any of them had got any questions Julie came out with “What are you doing tonight?”
She said he had nice eyes and a big red face.

Broken wrist, broken record

Junior was going on yesterday about how he thought he had broken his wrist. He told us that he had punched a wall for reasons that he couldn’t explain properly. So he spins his wrist around both ways as he’s telling us that it doesn’t feel right:

Becky: “If it was broken then you wouldn’t be able to move it you idiot.”
Junior: “No, it is broken …look.”
He then grabs his bad hand with his other hand and pulls his hand back as far as he could.
Junior: “See, it hurts when I do that.”

We couldn’t help but laugh.
Becky: “It’s supposed to hurt if you do that…It hurts if I did that to my
hand…fool.”

Pool Clash

For a number of years now Neville, from the sixth floor, has been organizing Pool Tournaments to include anyone at the company who wants to join in. People bring their mates and they all seem to have a good time. Friday night was the latest one, so this morning I asked Tim and Clive who had won. To my surprise they tell me it was abandoned halfway through due to a fight breaking out between someone's uncle who had come to play and Stuart from a department further up the office. They all got thrown out and Neville isn't even sure if they'll be banned from going back again, or if the boss will let him organize another one in the future.

Away Day

Yesterday we went on a kind of "Middle Management Away from the Office Day", which was basically some seminar where they try to get you enthusiastic about your work and your team. It was held at a nearby hotel and food was provided, which is always nice, but often dissappointing. At one stage our boss had made an "Office" style film which he was quite convincing in as an inept manager. It was all quite funny. Then at one stage there was a scene in the background where a male and female employye went into the disabled toilets together, then came out adjusting their clothing. This was quite funny, and apparently stuff like that had gone on in years past. Then we were asked to comment on it andone team brought up the subject of inappropriate office relationships. Junior spent the next ten minutes looking over at our table red faced. He's actually on holiday at the same time as Cat today, but nobody has brought the subject up. I'm sure he was expecting me to tell the rest of the office what is going on so that they can be more open about it, but

Holidays in the Sun

Chris wanted to book some holiday:
Chris: “Ed, I wanted to book a holiday at the weekend. Is it okay…”
Junior: “You want to have the weekend as holiday? That’s fine, have both days off.”
Chris: “No, I want to book a holiday at the weekend for later in the year.”
Junior: “You What?”
Chris: “I want to book a Summer holiday at the weekend.”
Junior: “It’s still Winter. You can’t have a Summer holiday at the weekend.”
Chris: “I want a holiday in the Summer, and I want to book it at the weekend.”
Me: “You want to book some holiday for next financial year?...That should be fine, no one else has booked anything off so far for next year. When are you thinking of going?”
Chris: “July time probably. We went about that time last year.”
Me: “Where are you going?”
Chris: “We’re probably thinking of going to Tenerife.”
Me: “Really?...That shit-hole? Any of the other Canary Islands are better than Tenerife.”
Junior: “How dare you!...Tenerife is one of the best holiday places I’ve ever been to.”
Me: “How many places have you ever been to?”
Chris: “Actually, I remember you telling Dave that you weren’t very impressed by it.”
Me: “It’s overdeveloped, overcrowded, with black sand.”
Junior: “It’s got lovely golden beaches…hasn’t it?”
Me: “No, it’s all volcanic black sand.”
Junior: “Don’t listen to him. It’s bar, bar, nightclub, bar…all along the main street. If you go further out there’s some more dodgy places you can find if you know where you’re going.”
Me: “He’ll do you a map.”

Junior then goes on about him and his mates getting up to no good in seedy nightclubs. As usual his mate Neil gets into a fight or two.

Junior and Cat

Following Junior’s revelation from the other day when we went to visit Mark, when he confessed to be seeing Cat from our office, I was still surprised to see them sneaking out of the front of the building together shortly after I’d left, as I drove through the barrier to get out of the car park. I’m not too sure that he told me hoping that I would tell everyone else, so they wouldn’t have to sneak around.

Let there be light

Since the canteen has been refurbished they now have motion sensitive lights, so that if there is nobody in a section of the canteen the lights will turn themselves off. Unfortunately we use the canteen for meetings a lot of the time, before or after dinner hours, and the lights don’t seem to pick up any motion if you are sitting down. So fifteen minutes into our meeting the lights will go off and you have the choice of having the rest of the meeting dimly lit from the daylight, or sending someone to go and stand up and walk over to where we think the sensors are every ten minutes.

Visiting Mark

Having had a long weekend I was a bit depressed about going back to work. When I got in my idea that no-one would have done anything and I would have four days worth of crap to catch up with was confirmed. Then mid morning junior said that he had phoned Mark yesterday and that we were going to go and visit him this afternoon.

Mark has been off work with a bad back for over eight months waiting for physio and lately injections in his back.
We stopped off at Subway for dinner and picked up a meatball marinara for Mark too.

Mark was glad to see us. He’s not been out much. You would have to be desperate for company to be glad to see Junior.
We started off asking how he was getting on. He’s having his injections next week and thinks he might be coming back to work the week after that. Then he asked us about the changes to the department at work. We told him all about the comings and goings while he ate his sub. Then as we relaxed a bit more Junior asked how his girlfriend was coping with looking after him. To be polite, Mark asked how Junior’s love life was. He knew that he was having trouble with his girlfriend before he had gone off sick. Junior explained that she had left him just before they were going to move into a nicer flat together, leaving him £1000 out of pocket, having already paid the deposit. We figured out that it must have been about six months ago. They had been going out together on and off for about eight years. Then surprisingly, in an unguarded moment, he confessed that he was actually seeing someone from work, and that he was hoping that things might work out with her:

Junior: “You know who I’m on about, don’t you?” (to me)
Me: “I don’t know
anything”
Junior: “You’ve heard all the rumours though?”
Me: “I’ve heard
the odd thing.”

He went on to tell Mark that he had been seeing Cath, who had worked on our section for a few months. I knew that they had been places together, because she had split with her husband last year and they were both going out “on the pull”. The boss had also been suspicious and had started rumours about the two of them, but we had assumed it was just the boss winding people up. I was probably more surprised that one of the office rumours was true, and that he had offered the information up freely.

Junior: “This is all in strictest confidence.”
Me: “Of course.” (with a
smirk).

Women's trouble

One of the women in the office has just been off for some time recuperating after a major women’s operation. She came down to talk to some of the girls down in our section:
Vicky: “...I still can’t lie on that side since my operation. I went to the doctor again yesterday. He couldn’t understand it because it’s not where they did any cutting.”
Me: “Did he check that he hadn’t left his watch behind… or his mobile?”

Office Smells

Cat came down the office to ask Becks about some trouble she was having with an Excel file:
Cat: “What can I smell?”
Becks:”I don’t know.”
Dave: “Is it a good smell or a bad smell?”
Cat: “Neither really. I was just curious what I could smell.”
Then for all the time she was crouched down between Becky and Dave she was sniffing around, her nostrils flared. Sniffing Becky’s blouse, then turning round to sniff in Dave’s direction. Sadly she left to go back to her own desk without figuring out what or who the smell was.

Healthy

For reasons known only to themselves the powers that be have installed a machine downstairs that measures weight, blood pressure, body mass index, heart rate, and few other things. It’s there for six weeks and they are encouraging people to try it each week to see if they lose any weight, fat, or height. People were queuing along the corridor and the people in charge of instructing people how to use it were telling people that it takes 5 minutes to run through the programme, so some of them will be waiting for over an hour. Of course the skiving element made a day of it. I went down with Chris and Eric, mid-dinnertime (people weren’t going to use their dinner hour to do it, if they could skive off during work time) when there was just one woman using the machine. I came out as slightly portly for my age. Eric came off really badly with a high blood pressure reading, which he put down to being really nervous of people watching him. Chris got a certificate of skinniness, but got very anxious because his blood pressure was close to being average for his age. He scared himself into thinking that your blood pressure just carries on going up as you get older. We tried to explain that low blood pressure is just as bad as high blood pressure, and that being average was good, but he wasn’t convinced.

Thanks to Biggest Loser Club for the photo.

Snow 2

Then I come in this morning, driving through snow, and find this as my first e-mail:

IS Service Desk running with Reduced Staffing Levels due to weather conditions

Snow

I was quite heartened to get this e-mail from the boss. Everyone read it thinking he was going to complain at the very end of it:

Team,

Did you know
that:

·
1684

Believed to be Britain’s coldest ever winter and when diarist
John Evelyn drove a coach and horses down the River Thames, which remained solid
for two
months.

·
1947

Snow fell every day in Britain between January 22nd and March
17th. With temperatures rarely more than a couple of degrees above
freezing, fifteen foot snowdrifts blocked roads and
railways.

·
1963

Believed to be the coldest winter for 223 years, with Britain
covered with snow from Boxing Day until early March. With so many
football matches being cancelled, the Pools Panel was invented to make up
results for unplayed
games.

·
2009

It snowed one Sunday night and the country ground to an
halt. Public transport decided not to bother, as did 1 in 5 of the
country’s workforce. However, almost everyone from the Technical
Services & Projects Section of E.ON’s Asset Information Management
Department made the effort and got themselves to work.

WELL
DONE! And with a bit more to come KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Although he has wasted a load of time surfing the internet to find some amazing snow facts.

No Overtime

For the past few weeks we have been snowed under with work. To this end Junior was asking round on Thursday if anyone would be prepared to come in to work on the Sunday. There was only Andy who reluctantly said he would do it. Junior asked his boss if he could allow them to work for time in-lieu, telling us that if we worked for four hours on Sunday we would get eight hours off another time. Sadly the boss turned him down for double time in-lieu and nobody was going to come in for a few hours on Sunday. Discussing this between ourselves we decided that he hadn’t done us any favours giving everyone rotten End of Year Reviews, and wasting time that we could have been catching up on ridiculous meet-and-greet meetings in Nottingham (which only lasted an hour before we had to drive all the way back and waste the whole day).
This week also he has lumbered Chris with some new tasks, such as helping out with Team Brief, and making Chris our lead contact for anyone unsure about where they should go for certain types of work. We were telling him that he should get Chris a badge saying “Hi I’m Chris, how may I help you?”

Junior Smells 3

So before Junior came in this morning me and Becky had been discussing what we should tell Junior he smelt like today:

Becky: “Did you hear what his excuse was for smelling that way
yesterday?”
Me: “No.”
Becky: “He said that most mornings he sprays himself
with RightGuard, then a nicer smelling deodorant. Then he sprays his clothes
with it too.”
Me: “He sprays his shirt with deodorant? That’s odd.”
Becky: “But yesterday he forgot to spray his shirt…I think.”

When Junior eventually swans in after 9.30, of course everyone else is busy working away, and nobody says anything to him. We’re all pissed off at him doing half a days work, then trying to get more work out of them. They’re also pissed off because he’s done everyone’s End of Year reviews and graded us all equally as badly, saying that we’re all still developing in their role. They’ve actually been busy covering for everyone who’s been off sick, on holiday, or moved to different sections. Rant over. He dumps his coat and bag at his desk then goes over to Becky:

Junior: “Becks, will you do me a favour?”
Becky: “What is it?”
(He lifts
up his armpit)
Junior: “Would you give me a good sniff for chlorine?”

She gives him a little smile to give him the impression that he is the King of Comedy.

Junior Smells 2

Becky had been making some funny faces. Junior had been near her showing her how to do some stuff on her computer. Eventually in the quiet part of the afternoon she spoke out:

Becky: “What brand of washing powder do you use?”

Junior grins, as if he’s been waiting for something to relieve the boredom of the afternoon, and a question like this, out of the blue, was going to lead to something.

Me: “He lives with his parents, I doubt if he actually does his own
laundry.”
Junior: “Why do you ask?”
Becky: “I can smell something?”
Me:
“I can’t really smell anything much, I’m still bunged-up from my
cold.”
Junior: “What like?”
Becky: “Kind of a Chlorine sort of
smell”
Junior: “Is it a good smell or a bad smell?”
Becky: “It’s not a
shit smell…it’s a clean smell.”
Junior: “Where do you think it’s coming
from?”
Becky: “You!”
Junior: “You’re saying I smell? When do you smell
it?”
Becky: “When you stand near me. You’ve been standing near me earlier on.
It just seems to be when you’re close…”
Junior stands up and has a sniff
about.
Becky: “Like now…I got another waft of it then.”
Me: “Maybe it’s
his deodorant? What kind of aftershave have you got on today?”
Junior:
“Beckham.” (he says with a smile as if it’s great to spray himself with a scent
designed by a footballer rather than a perfumier)
Becky: “Naahh! That’s not
it…Beckham doesn’t smell like that.”
Me: “Ahh! It depends where he bought it
from. Maybe he bought it off the market. He could be wearing fake Beckham, which
could be watered down bleach, or anything.”
Junior: “It’s not.” (changing his
expression)
Needing some kind of closure on the matter he gets up and wafts
his shirt sleeve under my nose.
Me: “There is a weird smell…it’s like
aniseed.”
Chris: “Yeah!”
Me: “Does your mom put anything on your shirts
when she irons?”
Junior: “Maybe it’s my sweat reacting with something in the
shirt?”

The discussion comes to a close. I leave it a few minutes before I carry on:

Me: “In the bank on Saturday morning there was an old geezer that smelt of piss,
and we were about six feet away from him. It would be terrible if you got any
closer to him. Not a faint whiff of dry piss or anything like that, he smelt as
if he was covered in fresh urine.”
Becky: “That’s horrible.”
Me: “He was
an old bloke with white hair, one of those who’s facial hair grows virtually all
the way up to his eye sockets, stubble up to his eyes, and big
sideburns.”
Becky: “You hear that?…” (she shouts towards Junior) “You could
smell worse…You could smell of piss!”

I imagine he’ll have a shower before he comes in to work tomorrow. I’m going to sniff him to see if he’s changed his scent.

U Pillock

Sue came down the office to ask for some help. She had a print-out with a user ID (based on the initials of the first name of the user, followed by 4 numbers) on it, but didn't know who it was from:

Sue: "Do you know how to get on that part of the portal which lets you
search for people's user IDs?"
Junior: "Yes..." (clicking on his screen) "...who are you trying to
trace?"
Sue: "This number on the bottom here...U3491."
Junior: "That's easy, that'll be..."
Me: "Go on then! Think of a name that begins with a U!"

(Thinks for a while)

Junior: "...er...Uppal?"
Me: "That's Ghurmak's surname."
Becky: "Ursula!"
Junior: "I was going to say that."
Me: "Do you know of an Ursula that works for the company?"
Once he'd typed it onto the screen it came back with no results for that
name.
Me: "It's probably a temporary user ID that IT must use for things. I'd try
them."
Becky: "Onslow, like the bloke off "Keeping up
Appearances"."
Sue: "That begins with an O."

Later the best name we could come up with was Ullyses