Wednesday, 21 February 2007

Number one blog

Ricky Gervais made a fortune writing “The Office”. I think the real life exploits of the characters I work with are much funnier. You can judge for yourselves.
The one similarity between “The Office” and my office is that we both have a fat bloke who doesn’t say or do much. In fact Fat Dave (as I shall be calling him for the purposes of this blog) has been noticed as being the splitting image of the fat bloke out “The Office”. Not that it would be difficult for any fat man to look very much like another fat man, as they don’t have any defined features – just general lumps of flesh.
About four months back we had a new starter on out section, who we will be calling Eric (but who’s real name has caused such a lot of amusement), who went down to the canteen with Fat Dave to get a sandwich for breakfast. Eric sat next to me at the time while I was training him. When he came back from the canteen he told me “I was standing in the queue with Dave and two fellas behind us in the queue, a few yards back, were staring at Dave and going “Look it’s the fat bloke out “The Office”.” Now I heard them say it quite plainly, so Dave must have heard them too.”
I told him “Maybe he gets it a lot and has got used to it. Although Dave often appears to be in a world of his own. You’ve seen his work haven’t you. He might not have been paying attention. Probably in a dream-world of his own…chasing giant donuts ”. Then me and Eric stopped for a second or two to imagine Dave’s daydream, with him running through a forest with a big butterfly net, with his belly rippling up and down as he ran, catching giant donuts. Then we looked back at each other and thought “Eeerrrr!”

This afternoon Dave has kept us entertained by nodding off at his desk. The whole section were watching at one stage. He just closes his eyes and we watch as his head slowly falls forwards in little jerks until his head reaches the point of no return, then he momentarily gains consciousness enough to pull his head back up straight. Then it starts all over again. He must have done this for a good half an hour before he got up to go to the toilet or something. Chris (from another section who was passing) even took a photo. We thought it would be good to take a few photos at different stages and put them together as an animated GIF. I would love to post the photo on the site, but for anonymity reasons I don’t think I can.

There should be a site somewhere where you can post photos of your fat colleagues. If there’s not, there should be. It could be called something like “Rate my fat mate”. If anybody takes the idea on board and makes the site up, let me know, so I can post Dave’s picture. If you know of any such sites, please let me know. Also if you do start up “Rate my fat mate” and make a small fortune from it, don’t forget my cut.

When he’s not asleep at his desk he is eating. Every morning he brings one of those trainer bags in with him stuffed with food which he picks at most of the day. He also goes down to the canteen for a bacon and egg sandwich for breakfast, and goes out for lunch, either for chips or a KFC. I tell the new starters to keep moving and to not stay too still for too long around Dave – in case he tries to eat them.

Sorry if I have offended any large people reading the blog. I don’t mean to be fat-ist, and next to Dave I am definitely not fattest.