Belated Christmas Message

Due to the fact that Nev was off from December 18th, we got a very odd Christmas message from the boss yesterday. He’s catching up with his e-mails today, which mostly means he goes round asking if anyone dealt with this or that, from three weeks ago. My memory isn’t that good. It’s also amusing to see his speedy typing going unchecked.
_____________________________________________
Sent: Thursday, December 24, 2009 8:47 AM
To: Distribution List
Subject: FW: Christmas Message

Everyone,

I wanted to take the chance to thank you all for your
hard work and efforts during 2009. I know I have only taken up my position at
the very end of the year but already from my conversations amongst the team I
can see that 2009 has been a challenging but very productive year for the
team.

We have successfully moved to a new structure designed to
make it easier for our customers to do business with us. We have also been
growing relationships and generally raising the understanding within the
business on what we do. These moves have been well received across the
business.

In addition to this we have also been successful in
winning work from across the group. Most notable is the project to support XXXX
in organising their many thousand documents.
2010 offers a number of
opportunities for us as a team.

I wish you all a safe
and merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Regards

Playing Fast Ball with the boss

I still get the odd e-mail from my previous boss. I'm not sure if the term fast ball really goes with the word faffing. I think that just using the term fast ball makes him a dickhead:

“Team, please be advised that the attached is a bit of a fast
ball!
There appears to be some confusion of who should be completing
the Diversity Course – Managers, Team Leaders or both.
As it only takes
an hour and all training is good training, save faffing about, can you all
please complete the course before the end of the month.”

Away Day

Yesterday we went on a kind of "Middle Management Away from the Office Day", which was basically some seminar where they try to get you enthusiastic about your work and your team. It was held at a nearby hotel and food was provided, which is always nice, but often dissappointing. At one stage our boss had made an "Office" style film which he was quite convincing in as an inept manager. It was all quite funny. Then at one stage there was a scene in the background where a male and female employye went into the disabled toilets together, then came out adjusting their clothing. This was quite funny, and apparently stuff like that had gone on in years past. Then we were asked to comment on it andone team brought up the subject of inappropriate office relationships. Junior spent the next ten minutes looking over at our table red faced. He's actually on holiday at the same time as Cat today, but nobody has brought the subject up. I'm sure he was expecting me to tell the rest of the office what is going on so that they can be more open about it, but

Snow

I was quite heartened to get this e-mail from the boss. Everyone read it thinking he was going to complain at the very end of it:

Team,

Did you know
that:

·
1684

Believed to be Britain’s coldest ever winter and when diarist
John Evelyn drove a coach and horses down the River Thames, which remained solid
for two
months.

·
1947

Snow fell every day in Britain between January 22nd and March
17th. With temperatures rarely more than a couple of degrees above
freezing, fifteen foot snowdrifts blocked roads and
railways.

·
1963

Believed to be the coldest winter for 223 years, with Britain
covered with snow from Boxing Day until early March. With so many
football matches being cancelled, the Pools Panel was invented to make up
results for unplayed
games.

·
2009

It snowed one Sunday night and the country ground to an
halt. Public transport decided not to bother, as did 1 in 5 of the
country’s workforce. However, almost everyone from the Technical
Services & Projects Section of E.ON’s Asset Information Management
Department made the effort and got themselves to work.

WELL
DONE! And with a bit more to come KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Although he has wasted a load of time surfing the internet to find some amazing snow facts.

No Overtime

For the past few weeks we have been snowed under with work. To this end Junior was asking round on Thursday if anyone would be prepared to come in to work on the Sunday. There was only Andy who reluctantly said he would do it. Junior asked his boss if he could allow them to work for time in-lieu, telling us that if we worked for four hours on Sunday we would get eight hours off another time. Sadly the boss turned him down for double time in-lieu and nobody was going to come in for a few hours on Sunday. Discussing this between ourselves we decided that he hadn’t done us any favours giving everyone rotten End of Year Reviews, and wasting time that we could have been catching up on ridiculous meet-and-greet meetings in Nottingham (which only lasted an hour before we had to drive all the way back and waste the whole day).
This week also he has lumbered Chris with some new tasks, such as helping out with Team Brief, and making Chris our lead contact for anyone unsure about where they should go for certain types of work. We were telling him that he should get Chris a badge saying “Hi I’m Chris, how may I help you?”

New Year

There’s been a lot of sick people about the office, with colds and flu about. I’ve had two weeks off with a nasty dose. When I got back in at the start of this week Junior had got a cold, which he said had been bad for a few weeks, but he’d managed to drag himself in. On Monday it had got a bit much for him and he went to his doctors, who gave him antibiotics. With New Year approaching I said to him:

Me: “What? You can’t drink any alcohol over New Year then?”
Junior: “I can
can’t I? I asked the doctor if there was anything I had to be
careful about,…could I still drive? and so on.”
Me: “Yes, you can still drink
with antibiotics. I had you going for a while though.”

The boss is temporarily sitting near us this week:

Boss: “Can’t wait for the Hogmanay Show tonight.”
Junior: “’ You stopping in
then?”
Boss: “You have to at my age…Which member of staff are you seeing
tonight?”

Cold Start

The boss comes in this morning and comments on the cold weather:

Boss: “We need it though.”
Me: “Why do we need it?”
Boss: “To kill all the
rats…You know they say that you’re never more than six feet away from a
rat.”

(We look around, we’re on the fourth floor, we give Junior a second look - he has a rat type face)

Boss: “There’s been a big increase in the rat population recently. They have to
keep eating to maintain their body fat, or else they die.”

He certainly knows a lot about rats. He goes on to tell us about the rat problem at his previous house which he found out was due to his neighbour feeding them.

Me: “So why aren’t there so many birds around this year?”
Boss: “Don’t know.
Do you know why?”
Me: “No.”
Boss: “I thought you were trying to catch me
out…I’ll certainly find out for you though.”
Me: “weren’t there fewer bees
about this year as well?”
Boss: “Bees?”
Me: “Yes bees.”
Boss: “I don’t
know.”
Me: “I’d heard that if the bees die off, then it’s only two years
before man becomes extinct.”
Boss: “That’s not something Dave told you is
it?”
Me: “No, that was a proper expert on the TV.”

Pep talk

With loads of people off sick, or with time off to do their Christmas shopping, we are struggling with the amount of work that has come in. junior decided to mention this to the boss:

Boss: “You’ll have to do a Churchill style speech,…rally the troops.”
(He saunters over to Andy’s desk)
Boss: “Come on Andy pull your finger
out!”

Junior's WOW day

Junior is over in one of the meeting rooms adjudicating the tests which will determine who gets an interview for the promotions. There are eight people in each session, spread out throughout the day.
The boss comes over and asks where Junior is:

Me: “He’s over the way, adjudicating all day.”
Boss: “With Alan as
well?”
Me: “Is Alan over there as well?.”
Boss: “You know what they’re
doing, don’t you?”
Me: “Playing World Of Warcraft remotely on their laptops?
Or, working hard on some presentation or other.”
Boss: “Did you know Junior
is a 79er?...Alan is only a 76er…It’s all very sad…penis envy. Only I think
they’re talking millimetres.”

We have a laugh. Then as he walks away he turns to Julie:

Boss: “That’s around three inches. You were looking worried.”

Chinese doctor

Dave had been to have acupuncture at a Chinese doctors’ last week. He wanted to lose some weight and stop drinking, which had caused his knee to flare up (gout). He had told us all about it, having long needles stuck through his ears, through his knee and down his back. Remarkably he had stopped craving drink and was now only drinking water or soft drinks. Hazel had heard of his great result and went to see the Chinese doctor too to help her loose weight and stop drinking. She hadn’t told us this though. The boss came to tell us this, after he had offended her:

Boss: “You know Hazel has been to the Chinese doctor to help her loose weight and get a man?”
Steve: “A China man?”
Boss: “Anyway, she was telling Dave about it and I walked in on the conversation half way through. She said “The worst thing about it was when I was standing there in front of him in my bra and pants.” So of course I was a bit shocked."

Then he went into smirk mode and you could tell the rest of it was made up.

Boss: “Anyway, this Chinese doctor tells her to get on all fours and crawl away from him. Then he tells her to face him and crawl back. He gets her to do this a couple of times then the doctor tells her “you got zakary disease.” (in dodgy Chinese accent)…”What’s that?” she asks him. “Lady, your face look zakary like your arse.””

We laughed.

Boss: “Everyone else laughed up the other end of the office, except Hazel. I’m not sure if I’ve offended her.”

Tonsils and testicles

Somehow on Thursday afternoon we got chatting about tonsils. Junior had got a sore throat and was eating cough sweets one after another, and he told us about his tonsils being too big to be removed. We were surprised that anyone could have tonsils too big to operate on. He then told us that doctors don’t remove tonsils anymore. So Becky started going round the office asking if any of them had their tonsils removed. Everyone had theirs still intact. Then the boss came down the office after a coffee and saw there was a bit of a commotion. Rather than settle down to some work, Becky caught the boss’s eye:

Becky: “Have you had your tonsils removed?”
Boss: “You what?”
Becky: “Have you had your tonsils taken out?”
Boss: “Tonsils?...No. I have got three testicles though.”
Becky: “Really?”
Me: “Isn’t that a load of bollocks?”

Flowers

The boss comes in around 9.00 this morning with a big bunch of flowers and gives them to Junior to present them in front of the team to Karen, who left our section of Friday. Junior is not best pleased at having to do the presentation and giving flowers. “I don’t do flowers” he tells everyone. It takes a while for everyone to get in and have their breakfast from the canteen, so it’s about 10.30 when Junior actually calls Karen over and everyone gathers round. She gets upset and tells him that she’s going to cry anyway. Steve does a bit of a speech and hands over the flowers. The boss them puts an arm round her and looks as if he’s taking the flowers down to her desk for her. He then runs down the office and gives the flowers to Dave (Karen’s news boss). As she reaches her new desk Dave says:

“We are cutting costs on our section, and we would like to welcome you to your new job.”

Handing her the flowers she had just been presented with at the other end of the office.

Interview results

Today we were given the results of the interviews for the latest manager jobs. I went in before Alan and Junior and was relieved to be told I hadn’t got the job. Then I was amazed when Junior came out later and told us that he had got one of the jobs, knowing how much the boss thinks he’s a prat. Then Alan came out, who we thought should get something if anyone was going to, and he had got one too. They haven’t told anyone which sections they will be managing yet though. I was quite happy thinking that we might all fail. Now I’m jealous of the money they’re going to get. I’m now bothered that they might stick Junior as my manager, which a few of us will find intolerable.
Then it was followed by a load of “congratulations manager” back slapping between my boss and the others who had come out successful. I started off saying that I’ll remember Junior as a young office-boy.
Then my boss came out with “I remember when he was Gouldie’s bitch!” towards one of the Dave’s who had also been promoted.

Not so green boss

The company is promoting green living and energy saving ideas – leave your car at home, cycle to work, use public transport, use video/telephone conferencing. Then the boss is setting up a meeting with a guy who works on the floor below us 25 miles away at an old building we used to use, but are selling, just so that he can claim the business miles for the tax on his car.

Promotions

I haven’t touched my blog for a week or so. Sadly I’ve been pushed into applying for a number of promotions which have been advertised internally. There are a whole bunch of people who have been approached to try out for the positions even though they stand very little chance of getting the jobs. So I’ve been putting my presentation together and trying to figure out what I’m going to tell them during the questioning about my previous experience. A few people have started to drop out once the timetable for interviews was announced. The way I look at it – it’s too late in the day to drop out, it would just look bad. So the best I am hoping for is to stand my own in the interview and not make too much of a pillock of myself in front of the bog boss. Things have got a bit political already and all the candidates have been encouraged to go and introduce themselves to the interviewers and ask questions. They’ve ended up getting a mini-interview in return. I don’t like to play games like that. It’s like asking a woman’s father if you can propose to his daughter. As expected, a couple of them have booked today off to put their presentation together.

Junior's meeting

Carl had asked Cat if she was “power-dressing for the meeting tomorrow”. She said not, but he carried on with “Why don’t you get a top like Becky’s interview top, two sizes too small so that you can see everything.” Becky had been mortified at being told her new top that she had worn for the latest round of interviews was discussed in such terms.
At the meeting where Junior and Cat went to sort out what software and hardware they needed since they moved sections. Junior had been talking to one of the guys about what software he used, then one of the older men at the meeting said:
“Do you want a list of the tools that I need?”
“Yes, go on then.” said Junior.
“Highlighters, and a pencil.”

Ginger trouble

After the big meetings were over our boss got us round to talk to the rest of the staff who he hadn’t invited in to the big pow-wow. One of the girls had been in the print-room and had only turned up after the chat had started. Karen stopped him and pointed out that she was now in the office and needed to be called over.
Boss: “Don’t worry about her, she’s ginger. She’s used to being left standing on her own smelling of piss.”
Cat: “ I do not smell of pee!”

Big wig meeting

The company is going through a restructure, and there are a lot of promotions all becoming available at once. To allay people’s fears of missing out or moving around the big boss has been laying on meetings for managers and high –up staff. My boss invited me to a meeting at the last minute.
Boss: “Do you want to come along to a meeting to explain the restructure?”
Me: “Yes. When is it?”
Boss: “Now.”
Me: “Which room?”
Boss: “Follow me.”
He grabs Eric as well and we start tearing down the stairs, except I’d just finished my breakfast and had got a full, boiling hot cup of coffee in my hand, so I was a little slower.
I hate high level meetings where everyone talks in acronyms and other arms of the business which I know nothing about. At one stage one of them came out with T & Cs (terms and conditions), which made me think for a few seconds. I was worried that it could have been teas and coffees and that they were going to ration the trips to the coffee machine.

Easter

There are two weird things about Easter and Good Friday where we work. Firstly, if you have an old contract then you have Good Friday off as a Bank Holiday. Where as anyone with a new contract has an extra day holiday instead. By March though, they have usually used up all their holiday. So on Friday there is the weird situation where all the bosses and senior staff are off, yet all the junior staff are in the office, with the place to themselves. Secondly, this year all the team leaders have bought Easter Eggs in for all their staff, which has obviously been done because of an instruction from on high. So there are very odd scenes of senior staff walking round with carrier bags full of Easter eggs, having to grin as they hand out the eggs to the staff, who they aren’t that keen on anyway. Then all the staff think that it is an odd gesture, and that they would prefer a cash pay-increase rather than an empty token gesture.

Leap Year Day

Prompted by my friends in the lift,having questioned them about if they are coming to work tommorrow, I asked the boss if we should be working on Leap year day, because our contracts only require us to work 365 days a year. He told me to e-mail his boss about it. i left it there. I'm not sure if the boss can take a joke.