Friday, 28 November 2008

Junior's trouser comedy

Junior has been single handedly trying to kick start the economy this week with his terrifyingly large disposable income, now that he has split from his girlfriend and moved back in with his mom & dad. He is interviewing most of our section on Friday for the four promotions that are available. He decided on Monday that he needed some newer, smarter clothes to conduct the interviews in, having heard that the rest of the section were buying new clothes ready for their interviews. So he told us that on Monday evening he had gone late night shopping and tried on virtually everything in the shop. He listed the amount of stuff that he had bought. Then made us laugh when he told us that the shoes that he’d brought back were both left shoes when he opened the box, and he had got his dad to take them back and change them for him.
Then the other morning he came in late and explained that it was because of his new trousers. We had to ask him why his new trousers had made him late. So he explained that in the shop under artificial light he thought they were grey. So that morning he had put them on and paired them with a blue shirt. However, on leaving the house and going into the daylight, they looked more like a brown colour. So he had to go back into the house and change his shirt, because you can’t wear brown trousers with a blue shirt.
We all examined his trousers and decided that they could pass for grey or brown. Then later discussed the fact that hwe wouldn’t have bought the trousers anyway, and his new wool coat looked like a girl's.

Cake commotion

Jason had kicked off complaining that Rick had bought one of the Steve’s a piece of cake down the office, but not a piece for him. Eric overheard all this and got involved, to the extent where Jason had flicked him the Vs. when Jason came over to the coffee machine I had to shout over:

Me: “Who’s got cake then?”
Jason: “Dave.”
Me: “What kind?”
“Carrot cake, I think.”
Me: “No chocolate cake?...have a word with him…tell
him to get it sorted."

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Dan's breakfast

While the canteen is being renovated for a few weeks we have a telephone ordering system in place, whereby one person phones in an order then goes and collects it from the back door of the canteen. So that nobody gets the wrong order they ask you to quote your telephone number when you order, then tell them your number when you go and collect it. For the past three weeks I’ve been doing this for anyone who has been in before 8.30. However Dan has been coming in later and having to fetch his own or get his order tagged onto someone else’s order.
Today he had to order his own and went down to collect it , some time after 9.30. A little later, while I was talking to Eric and one of the Steve’s over near Dan’s desk my mobile rang. I saw it was Dan ringing me:

Me: “Hello, what are you up to?”
Dan: “I’m downstairs. Can you do me a
Me: “Yes…what do you want?”
Dan: “Can you go over to the phone on
my desk and tell me the last two digits of my phone number?”

I had trouble keeping a straight face. So fighting the need to burst out laughing I told him his phone number (overheard by Eric and Steve):
Steve: “He’s forgotten his own phone number?"
Me: “Yes…(almost crying with
laughter)…and he can’t get his sandwich without telling them what it
Eric: “Surely he could tell them what he wanted and they could figure
out which one is his?”
Me: “He’s probably not thought of that has he.”

It takes us all a while to stop laughing, then five minutes later Dan walks through the door with his breakfast and sets us off again.

Ban her!!

Becky has got a date for the driving course that she has to attend, or face a driving ban. She was moaning:
“Two hours of the course is just about avoiding hazards!”

This is the girl that went into the back of a parked car, writing off both cars. Personally, I would ban her.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Junior Smells

In the middle of the afternoon Junior goes over to Cath’s desk and says:

Junior: “Can you smell something around here?”
Cath: “What is it?”
“Is it you Chris? Have you let one go?”
Chris: “No!”

I couldn’t smell anything myself over my side, but couldn’t help smirking at the way he had just come out with his accusation. Junior walks up and down for a while sniffing:

Junior: “It’s Ed, you can see him smirking.”
Me: “I’m smiling at the tone you
accused Chris in.”
Junior: “Oh.”

He carries on talking to Cath for a bit, then looks over at Andy:

Junior: “I reckon it’s Andy, he’s looking guilty.”
Andy: “It’s not.”

He lets the sublect drop then, as if he's started things off to deflect suspicion from himself.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Glen's Tears

I’m at the lift on the ground floor this morning when Glen comes through the revolving doors at the entrance. (He catches the bus in and walks). The stunning blonde, who doesn’t say much, is also waiting for the lift. Glen says hello to the both of us:
Glen: “It’s a bit nippy out there…my eyes are watering.”
Me: “Are you sure
it’s the cold making your eyes water, or are you starting to cry as you walk
into this place for another day.
Glen: “It’s possible.”

Junior's WOW day

Junior is over in one of the meeting rooms adjudicating the tests which will determine who gets an interview for the promotions. There are eight people in each session, spread out throughout the day.
The boss comes over and asks where Junior is:
Me: “He’s over the way, adjudicating all day.”
Boss: “With Alan as
Me: “Is Alan over there as well?.”
Boss: “You know what they’re
doing, don’t you?”
Me: “Playing World Of Warcraft remotely on their laptops?
Or, working hard on some presentation or other.”
Boss: “Did you know Junior
is a 79er?...Alan is only a 76er…It’s all very sad…penis envy. Only I think
they’re talking millimetres.”

We have a laugh. Then as he walks away he turns to Julie:
Boss: “That’s around three inches. You were looking worried.”

Monday, 17 November 2008

WOW what a disappointment

The World of Warcraft set were very disappointed in the end. Tom told us this morning that the 24 hour Tesco had got a massive queue through the store. Somewhere else they went had got 18 copies coming in and 70 people queuing. They drove around for three hours looking for places who might have had it. In the end they went and bought it in the daylight the morning after. Then when they started playing it they were just disappointed at the new bits and thought it wasn’t worth it in the end.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Job Opportunities

Most of my lads are applying for the promotions which are currently on offer around the company. There are a total of 46 applying for about 8 jobs. I've tried to set them up with as much information as I can without giving them the interview questions. They are all iontelligent lads, but they still seem to give off the impression of schoolboys who have spent their spare time playing football or computer games instead of revising for their exams.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Asda be a good idea

The canteen is currently being renovated, a process that will take four weeks or so. We used to use the canteen as an impromptu meeting venue, and had booked a couple of meetings to take place in there. Sadly no other meeting rooms are available around the building. Instead Junior had organised a meeting for today Meeting at Asda’s café down the road. I thought it was a joke at first, then asked if he couldn’t just move a few people round to create enough space to conduct the meeting in the office. He said it was confidential.

How to lose friends

Nige had got a copy of “How to lose friends and alienate people” that he was going to give me a copy of. He brought it in on Monday and I watched the start of the DVD. What he had actually copied (for someone else in the office) was “Midnight Meat Train”. So until the titles actually came up I watched ten minutes of some guy hacking away at a passenger on a tube train, covered in blood. I thought it was a bit odd, but thought that they might shout “cut” at any moment, and they were behind the camera. Or the guy could have to go and get a coffee from the café still in his blood stained clothes.
I told him that it was the wrong film on Tuesday. He had Midnight Meat Train in his desk and assumed he must have mixed them up, so he gave me the DVD out of the Midnight Meat Train cover. Sadly, again, when I tried it in my player that evening I got the same guy soaked in blood. He eventually did me a new copy of “How to lose friends and alienate people”, and tells me that he’s watched the start to make sure he’s given me the right DVD this time. We’ll see.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

WOW expansion pack

Sadly we are without a number of our staff for the next couple of days. Not through ill health or anything like that. The next World of Warcraft Expansion pack is released at midnight tonight. Junior and our latest recruit, Tim, have discovered that the 24 hour Tesco will be having them in at midnight tonight. So they are going there to buy them tonight, probably with some Red Bulls & Pot Noodles, then spend the next four days playing the new bits of the game. Alan & another guy from down the office are also going to be queueing up to buy it as well, and taking the next couple of days off to play it too.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Hazel's Health

Hazel was coughing and sniffing all of Monday morning, complaining that she had a terrible headache. Towards the end of the morning she was asking if she could have the afternoon off as a half day flexi-day because she didn’t think she could work for the afternoon with her symptoms getting worse. Junior was happy to let her use up her flexi-time in this way, but I asked her if she wanted to have it off as sick. It was obvious to me that if she was that ill she wouldn’t be coming back for a couple of days. Junior asked her:
“Are you really that bad that you need to go off sick?”

as if she was malingering. I know the bosses have tried to stop people having so much time absent, but when it gets to flu season people should be coming in to work infecting everyone else.
Glen’s section had a similar problem with one geezer who had taken a lot of time off work and they had put him on, what they call capability. This meant he couldn’t have any more time off work in a certain period. He got sick, but had to come into work. For a few weeks he was having massive coughing fits which made everyone’s stomach turn as he was coughing up so much crap. Everyone else around him was catching it and going off sick for weeks at a time. I think that they eventually saw sense and told him to have some time off sick, but by then, with the air-conditioning working it’s magic, it had took a hold on the office and was spreading like dominoes from one end of the office to the other.
So Hazel goes off sick at dinnertime on Monday, for us to find out when she phones in sick on Tuesday that she has a chest infection and a possible lung problem, after Junior had tried to get her to take the time as flexitime.

Monday, 10 November 2008

Above and beyond

Glen was in before me this morning messing about with computers on his lots team. I asked what he was up to and was told that he was moving machines around.
Me: “You’re doing it yourself, rather than getting IT to do it?”
Glen: “Yes,
they charge £60 for each machine.”
Me: “Aren’t they going to be upset when IT
have to deal with a problem on one of them and they aren’t on the right desk
Glen: “No. They don’t keep a record of the machine and desk numbers.
We update the drawing which tells us where each machine is.”
Me: “Why are you
doing it so early?”
Glen: “I’ve got to do it before any of the bosses come
in. They don’t want to know about it. ..That’s what I’ve been told, “if anybody
asks we don’t know about it.””
So he’d come in early for no extra pay, flexi-time doesn’t start until 7.30a.m. to do something that his boss had told him to do, but would deny knowledge of if asked.
Me: “Have you got many to do?”
Glen: “Only this one and that one (pointing to
a couple of desks further down)…but next week I’ve got to bring one down from
the sixth floor and swap it for that one.”

Wednesday, 5 November 2008


I asked Alan what time he was staying until on the way out of the office, incase he wanted a lift home. He told me he was staying a while longer.

Alan: "I've got all the fun of walking my girls home from the nursery in
the dark tonight."

Me: "Well tonight it'll be more fun with all the fireworks going off around

Alan: "No it won't, the little one is terrified of fireworks."

Me: "Oh well, at least they'll probably walk a bit faster then."

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Sunday Gym fun

I don’t often mention my life outside the office, this was always meant to be a work related blog, but this Sunday I just had to share this. I go to the gym most Sunday mornings, I know it’s very middle-class but I need to stop my beer belly taking hold, and there are various classes which go on at the same time. There is one woman who does the ladies aerobics class (men are allowed to go too but it’s not very often that there is any male take-up) who has started to sing along with the soundtrack she plays for her class. You can hear all this going on from the main gym because the rooms the classes are held in are just off the main gym. So this morning I was treated to Kim Wilde’ s "Keep my hanging on", with the teacher singing “set me free…’cause you don’t really love me…keep me hanging on.” The gaps being the woman breathing and shouting instructions in between the lines. The funny bit was when she threw in a “Shabba!” just like the DJ out of Phoenix Nights. I was on the leg machine at the time and I couldn’t move the weight for a good two or three minutes after, from the giggling.