stormtrooper in a tea cup

A week of surprises continued today when one of the guys from the other end of the office brought in the stormtrooper helmet he was putting together from a kit. I don't know why, but it broke the day up.

Alan came and took a look, and he showed me the photos of his Halo helmet that he had started making, but didn't have the time to finish.

Eric had told me last week that Junior and some of his mates had taken the week off to play with the latest expansion pack to World of Warcraft. Today I bumped into Cat, who is now Junior's girlfriend, and asked her what she thought about it. She said that she had created a character to play it, but she was only a level two, and she had much more important things to do with her time.

Lottery Rollover

Sadly we are doing the Euro lottery quite frequently now, because nobody has won the big Rollover (currently at 80million). We won £6 last week because we got a line with both “Lucky stars” on, so I suggested that they each pay 30p and we play again this week. Collecting the money; Eric asked if I had got ten pence change. Before my mind engaged I asked
“Why, have you got a 40p piece?”

Of course had had got two twenty pence pieces.

Indiana Eric

Eric comes to work by bus and has brought himself a new hat for keeping the rain off him. It’s a brown thing with a brim all round. With his brown leather jacket he looks like he wants to be Indiana Jones. Clive and myself have mentioned it to him. I’m not sure how much stick he must get on the bus and in the street.

It's shit up North

Dan had read this, that people's hands are dirtier the further north they live.

Dan (reading): "The further north they went, the more often they found commuters with
faecal bacteria on their hands - men in Newcastle were the worst
offenders."

Eric: "So does that mean if we are around half way that we're only 50% as dirty?...Do you think it's the hand that we wipe our arse with that gets dirty then?"

Cake commotion

Jason had kicked off complaining that Rick had bought one of the Steve’s a piece of cake down the office, but not a piece for him. Eric overheard all this and got involved, to the extent where Jason had flicked him the Vs. when Jason came over to the coffee machine I had to shout over:

Me: “Who’s got cake then?”
Jason: “Dave.”
Me: “What kind?”
Jason:
“Carrot cake, I think.”
Me: “No chocolate cake?...have a word with him…tell
him to get it sorted."

Dan's breakfast

While the canteen is being renovated for a few weeks we have a telephone ordering system in place, whereby one person phones in an order then goes and collects it from the back door of the canteen. So that nobody gets the wrong order they ask you to quote your telephone number when you order, then tell them your number when you go and collect it. For the past three weeks I’ve been doing this for anyone who has been in before 8.30. However Dan has been coming in later and having to fetch his own or get his order tagged onto someone else’s order.
Today he had to order his own and went down to collect it , some time after 9.30. A little later, while I was talking to Eric and one of the Steve’s over near Dan’s desk my mobile rang. I saw it was Dan ringing me:

Me: “Hello, what are you up to?”
Dan: “I’m downstairs. Can you do me a
favour?”
Me: “Yes…what do you want?”
Dan: “Can you go over to the phone on
my desk and tell me the last two digits of my phone number?”

I had trouble keeping a straight face. So fighting the need to burst out laughing I told him his phone number (overheard by Eric and Steve):

Steve: “He’s forgotten his own phone number?"
Me: “Yes…(almost crying with
laughter)…and he can’t get his sandwich without telling them what it
is.”
Eric: “Surely he could tell them what he wanted and they could figure
out which one is his?”
Me: “He’s probably not thought of that has he.”

It takes us all a while to stop laughing, then five minutes later Dan walks through the door with his breakfast and sets us off again.

Just Managing

Junior has not made a great impression on us as a manager. Last week we were snowed under with work, which he has been promising people a fast turn-around for. On Wednesday he had spent the day on the internet finding the cheapest car insurance quote for his new car he was picking up the following weekend. Then on the Thursday he asked myself and Eric to go to a meeting over the other regional office 50 miles away, which was basically a waste of both our days. When we came back we found out that he had done bugger all, and Thursday’s work had piled up for us to do on Thursday evening or Friday. Then on Friday, when there was too much work for us to possibly get out, he was still fannying about asking us to do other stuff for him.

Eric’s act of kindness

Eric very kindly asked everyone for their drinks order around dinnertime. He asked Cat, who has hers in a mug, and took her mug. Then he asked Becky what she wanted.

“I’ll have a coffee thanks. ..While you’re up, can I be really cheeky and ask you to put those in the bin for me?”

Handing him her pot noodle pot, salad container and drinks can. We erupted into laughter as Eric politely declined.

Eric in late

Eric gets in to work just after 9.30 and thinks he’s managed to sneak in. After the weird team brief which Paul was held up as a shinning example to the workforce Paul now gets some stick too:

Me: “Eric. Good morning.”
Eric: “Morning.”
Jason: “What time do you call this? Paul’s been in since half past seven”
Paul: “I was waiting for a comment.”
Eric: “Oh. I don’t need to get in too early because I know Paul is in grafting away, clearing all the work.”



Eric: “Who put this fan on? Was it you?” (to Paul)
Jason: “He needs something to cool him down at the speed he goes.
I was thinking of bringing in my dry cleaning to use the steam he gives off.”

A lot of wind on Friday afternoon

Friday afternoon was odd because we had a guest speaker coming to address us in the canteen about “Changing Energy”. He blamed privatisation and the early running down of the coalmining industry. He mentioned alternative sources of energy, which would be many years away. A new nuclear power plant would take fifteen years to get up and running. Then he spoke against wind energy because he wanted to know where we would get our energy from when it wasn’t windy.

This brings me on to later in the afternoon. That was always Windy Miller’s problem wasn’t it, waiting for the wind.
George, Eric, Andy and one of the Steve’s were sitting around discussing the old TV programmes they watched as kids. Bod, Starfleet, Masters of the Universe, Captain Scarlet, Trumpton, Buck Rogers, Roger Ramjet Hong Kong Phooey they all got a mention. We’d got onto this through talking about how much money the bosses were on, so they could pay for their fuel without a worry. By the time the shortages and power-cuts come they’ll be emigrated to some beach somewhere without civil war breaking out. Jersey was mentioned, because that was where all the millionaires go to live. In fact you have to get a license to live there, and they don’t take any riff-raff. The only scum on the island are the ones who were born there and do all the work. This got us on to Bergerac, which leads us on to Midsomer Murders, and finally the declining state of television in general. Dan had never heard of Bergerac, so we said that we would have to see if Nige can get hold of it on DVD.

Andy: “I sit in bed on Saturday mornings having a flick about.”
Eric: “Too much information.” (smirking all round, so Andy repeats it).
Andy: “I have a flick about on Saturday morning….and I discovered the old Batman series. Eh? Biff!, Ker-pow!!”
Eric: “The Adam West one?”
Andy: “Yes.”
Eric: “What was the bloke who played Robin called…?”
Me: “Burt Ward.”
Eric: “That’s right. Didn’t he end up doing porn films?”
Me: “I don’t know about that.”
Steve (almost simultaneously fast): “Yes he did.”
Eric: “There was something worrying about the authority with which you told us that.”
Me: “He’s got the complete set on DVD.”

Branching out

Nige looks to be branching out into audio-books. There are a few people who’ve been having audio-books off him, although it seems that the only has Harry Potter books, and then only 1 to 7. Jason and Nige are discussing this when Eric comes along:
“He’s currently recording number 8 in his poshest voice.”

Network down

When we got on and logged in this morning the whole of the network was down. I spent 15 minutes with my speaker phone on waiting to get through to the helpdesk, who informed me that the whole of the company’s networks were down. We ended up chatting with each other about yesterday’s interviews, among other stuff. Eric came over to see us because no one was around in his section yet. He has the same shirt on as me. It always seems that when I pick this shirt to wear, Eric also has the same idea:

Me: “If I get a team manger job you’re going to be the first one I try and head hunt for my section.”
Eric: “That’s very nice of you to say so.”
Me: (Pointing to one of the Steve’s) “You needn’t bother I’m going to head hunt you though.”
Steve: “I’m not bothered. I would probably refuse to work for you anyway.”
Eric: “You’re making the right decision there Ed. He’s very touchy and has a vile temper, doesn’t he.”

We ended up going down for breakfast early, which we were lucky with to be first down because half the place had got the same idea. The network came back on around 9.00, just after Karen had phoned the boss (who was interviewing today as well) to get an opinion about what we should do. He sent a message to say the time should be spent tidying up our desks and the rest of the office. This all happened before Junior and Alan had come in. They were upset that they’d missed all the commotion.

Nige's movements

Sadly Nige has moved further down the office in the latest move and he’s also been away for a few days. Eric has been given the task of keeping an eye on anything funny going on down there that I might have missed. This morning he witnessed Nige coming in and Mark putting is arms out to hug him, telling him that he had missed him such a lot. “Don’t pull away,” he said when Nige avoided his arms.

Bad result

Sadly Junior’s team lost last night, so we weren’t expecting him in early. Eric had also gone to the match, but not got tanked-up before hand. He was a bit glum about it, but said that they both performed well and it could have gone either way. He did call me back and tell me about Junior getting a steward to walk him over from one stand to the other at half-time, just so they he could talk to him and have a half-time analysis.
Eric: “I don’t know how he managed to convince him to walk him over.”
Me: “They don’t do that much anyway do they, stewards.”
Eric: “He stood there like a spare part all the time Junior was talking to me, listening in to the conversation.”
Me: “How was Junior, was he completely drunk.”
Eric: “He was drunk, you could smell it on him, but he was cognisant. He could hold a conversation.”
Me: “Maybe that’s why the steward was with him, to keep an eye on him, if he smelt he’d been drinking. They were probably watching him…ear-marked him as a potential trouble maker.”

Eric's cookie

Eric came down the office to talk to Nige, in a pretend strop. He couldn’t really keep a straight face. As it turns out, Mark had upset Nige this morning before Eric got in and Nige had seen a packet of cookies on Mark’s desk and given them a bashing (physically, not edibley/ smashing them up in the packet). As it ends up, they were Eric’s cookies. He’d got some stuff on Mark’s desk because he was showing him the ropes for his new job.
Mark: “I watched him do it.” (he’d let him carry on, knowing they weren’t his cookies)
Steve: “They’re still edible aren’t they?… Save him having to do so much chewing.”

Urgent

Eric found a note on one of the jobs we had sent up marked “URGENT” saying “Found this down the edge of my desk, it is urgent”.

Snow

It snowed on Friday and Eric asked how I got on going home on Friday night. He has to catch the bus and was worried about the buses being cancelled. As it happened it only snowed for a while, then turned sleety, then rained a bit, so not much snow stuck. I had left early on Friday anyway, but Eric told me that there was a mass exodus as soon as the snow started to fall. It was odd because it started off nice and sunny when I started to drive home. Then all of a sudden the sky went white and the snow started.
Eric was telling me that he had gone to the toilet before he left on Friday. Jim had followed him in and while they were peeing Jim asked him if he remembered four years ago when there was about six inches of snow fell. Eric told him he remembered that year. . Jim said that he would never forget it. Trying to be jovial while they were mid-stream.
Eric: “Why? Did you get mistaken for a snowman on the way home?” (Jim has grey/ white hair)
Jim: “No, that was the night my Dad died.”

Eric’s Freaky Friday

On Friday Eric was given special duties in the print-room to help out another department with a backlog. The print-room is manned by an odd character, who writes CDs and DVDs most of the day for sending out to clients. The work Eric was doing meant that he was sitting next to him for the day, at the end of which Eric came out quite traumatised. Here is the gist of their conversation:
Carl: “Are you going to talk to me today?”
Eric: “Probably. Why wouldn’t I?”
Carl: “Well you don’t normally.”
Eric: “I’m hardly ever in here. Plus I’m a very quiet chap anyway. I normally keep my head down and just do my work.”
Carl: “You’re quite chatty to everyone else, but not to me.”

There is a radio in the print-room, which they have on fairly quietly while they work. The story about Heath Ledger dying comes on the news:
Eric: “That’s sad.”
Carl: “That Brokeback Mountain film wrecked his career.”
Eric: “I don’t think so. It won loads of awards. He’s done a few good films since that.”
Carl: “Did you ever see it?”
Eric: “No. It’s not my kind of film. I’m not into watching men kissing.”
Carl: “It’s about gay cowboys riding horses and kissing. I watched it to a point, then had to switch it off.”
Eric: “...Women kissing, now that’s natural.”
Carl: “I don’t like that either. I prefer women fighting.”
Eric: “What?...Wrestling in mud you mean?”
Carl: “No, just normal fighting.”

There is a bit of a silence for a while, then Carl’s phone goes. Apparently it’s his girlfriend. He tells her he’s got a friend in the print-room with him today, and at one stage he asks Eric to talk to her. He says “hello”, then Carl explains who he is. When he’s finished he puts the phone down and tells Eric that she’s tired.

Eric: “Why is she tired?”
Carl: “She didn’t get to bed until 4.00a.m. this morning.”
Eric: “That would make you tired. Why did she stay up so late?”
Carl: “No, she works till that late.”

Eric doesn’t ask what she worked as.
She rings back later in the day, and Carl has a complete conversation with her just saying “Why?” in various tones of voice. Later that afternoon he tells Eric that he used to do bodybuilding with his brother. They used to enter shows, oil eachother up then pose on stage to Gary Glitter songs like “Do you wanna be in my gang.”

Run down

As we are nearing the front of the queue Jason comes and joins the end of the queue:
Jason: “Have you heard the news about Andy?”
Me: “What news is this?”
Jason: “He’s been run over. On a zebra crossing. Sustained some head injuries apparently”
Me: “When was this?” (not sure if it was a joke yet)
Jason: “This morning, on his way to work I think.”
Me: “Where about was it?”
Jason: “I don’t know.”
Dan: “Was it in the car park?”
Eric: “Did someone speed up to get him?”
Me: “Oh maybe. There are still some people not happy about the Christmas party thing.”

As it turned out he was mostly just shaken –up and bruised.

Ashley Cole story

In the queue for breakfast this morning one of the Steves started on telling us about how penguins at the South Pole take it in turns to be in the middle of the huddle, so they take it in turns to keep warm. “That’s why they are always moving”, he tells us. So we start to look round for something more interesting to talk about and spot the newspaper headlines. “Ashley cheats”, about Ashley Cole cheating on his girlfriend. Eric suggests that we try and guess what he has cheated at, before we get round the queue to read more of the front page. After a few daft guesses Nige tells us the real story:
Nige: “I’d heard a bit about that on the news on the radio. Apparently he shagged this blonde hair-dresser, and told her not to tell anyone.”
Eric: “I heard a bit of that. Didn’t he stop halfway through to be sick on the floor?”
Nige: “Yes. She must have been a looker.”

After a pause for thinking, Eric says: “Do you think he got into trouble for diving in the box?”
Followed up with: “Do you think he got pulled-off at half-time.”