Tuesday, 29 May 2007


We come back up from the canteen at breakfast time with our sandwiches. As he bites into his bacon and egg, Dan gets egg yolk all down his hands.
"Wipe it off on one of the drawings" I tell him, "then we'll send it back and let them guess what kind of stain it is."

Thursday, 24 May 2007

Herbal drink

Dan brings over a tub of herbal powder drink that he’s borrowed to try off another Steve (from another section). The details on the bottle look like it mostly contains caffeine. Alan asks why he just doesn’t drink extra cups of coffee.
We sniff it before and after he puts the hot water in. Neil says it smells lemony. I think it has an underlying scent of urine.
It smells like a lemon scented loo block that has been peed on.
“You’re drinking some old China-man’s dried piss.”
Junior and Dave come over to have a look before we go down to get breakfast from the canteen. Thanh is tired of explaining his herbal drink, so he starts telling them that it adds an extra 3 inches.
Junior asks “Do you mean height? Or down below?”
“Your penis.” Thanh comes out with.
“Length or girth?”
I laugh and say “Girth. I want a dick three inches wider.”
Dan laughs. Then I point out “You wouldn’t be able to get it in or out of your flies to pee.”

Wednesday, 23 May 2007


Carl steps into the lift behind me. Already in there is Sarah, a fat blonde guy and a couple of other people.
Carl says hello to the fat blonde bloke. The doors shut. Then, Sarah says to the fat bloke with the obviously dyed hair
“Have you dyed your hair?”
“Yes, it was a mistake.”
Then Carl says “What do you mean? Did you think it was shampoo instead?”
The embarrassed fat bloke says “No. I asked them to make it more blonde, but it’s gone gingery.”
We step out of the lift at the forth floor and go our separate ways.

Dan gets a dodgy, yellowy-brown stained drawing in the post.
He asks what I think it is.
I tell him piss.
(It's probably only coffe or tea really)
He furrowed his eyebrows and screwed up his eyes.

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

The Banana milkshake trauma

Steve E grabs a strawberry smoothie from the fridge, while we’re in the queue for breakfast in the canteen.
“Is that banana milkshake?” I say looking at the yellow bottle next to it.
“Well, “says Steve, “It’s milk and sugar, and a few chemicals thrown in.”
“It’s got banana flavouring in it. They must spend ages experimenting before coming up with the right formula of chemicals to make it taste… nothing like banana.”
Steve E looks at the ingredients on the bottle. “Yes,” he says, “Banana flavouring…and colouring as well to make it yellow.”
“I can’t stand banana flavour milkshake.It’s evil man.” says Dan.
“I was traumatised by a banana milkshake once.”
“What? How were you traumatised by a banana milkshake?”
“Back when I was at Uni’, we were in this minibus going on a trip. The guy next to me was drinking a banana milkshake…and then he spewed.”
“He threw up his milkshake?”
“Yeah man. Everywhere.”
“Was it still yellow when it came out?” Steve E asks.
“No, it was just puke, but the smell of it. It filled the minibus.”
“Were you on your way back, or on your way to where you were going in the minibus?”
“We were on our way to London for the day.”
“So you smelt of banana flavoured puke all day, around London?”
“No, the smell just filled the minibus, making us all feel like we were going to be sick. Like a chain reaction…The funniest thing was that he tried to spew into a bottle.”
“He tried to spew it back into the bottle? That’s not going to work.”
“No”, says Steve E “you would have a wide radius projecting from your mouth.”
“No, you would go for a bag or something. You couldn’t do it into a bottle. Well, at least not without a funnel.”
“Well, even then…the velocity at which it would come out would just fill up the funnel and cause a bottle-neck effect.”
“I wonder if that’s why they call it the bottle-neck effect?”“Maybe that’s why.” Says Steve E.

Friday, 11 May 2007

Something for the weekend

There’s a new sign in the men’s toilets, which gave us a laugh –
“Please do not deposit chewing gum in the urinals.
Please think of the cleaners who have to remove it.”
We decided to add :
“It doesn’t taste the same after.” On the bottom of it.

Alan is having a couple of days off next week, because his kids birthdays fall on the Monday and Wednesday. We thought it was an odd reason to take time off work, but he came back with “Some people take a whole week off and bugger off to another country” (I’d just come back from Italy).
He’s having a party for them, but Karen pipes up that he’s not doing them any jelly.
“They don’t like jelly.” Alan insists.
“They don’t like jelly? Or you don’t like jelly? He’s there saying to them “now kids, this is jelly, but you don’t like it, alright.” “Okay Daddy.” Do you let them have ice-cream?” asks Junior.
“Yes, I let them have ice-cream.” “What do they have with it?” I ask
“Fruit. They like all kinds of fruit.”
“It’s only a matter of time you know, when they get to school and see all the other kids eating sweets.”
“Oh. They have sweets occasionally, usually at the weekend. They’re granddad is a bugger for that. As soon as he sees them he’s waving sweets in front of them.”