Junior's hols

I was very amused when Mark from the 5th floor told me that he had bumped into Junior and Cat (his lady friend) in Albufeira, Portugal. Apparently they were in some bar watching the English football. Cat told me that she had seen Mark looking at her and she thought she recognised him, but couldn't think where from. She thought he might have been off the TV. Junior recognised Mark from work, but couldn't think of his name. Mark had gone on a golfing holiday, and told me that he had been drunk for about 7 days solid.

Junior's nose job

I hadn't seen Junior about for some time. Asking Eric; I was told that he had taken some time off to have an operation on his nose, & time off to recover. Only a polyps operation, to stop him snoring, like Nige had some time ago. We joked about how it was a cosmetic operation to sort out the hideous shape of it.
Anyway, when he returned last week I asked him how his nose was. He was quite happy with it, except for it being dry and scabby inside at the moment. He told me that it was actually because he was throwing up most mornings that he had the operation. Apparently his nose was so blocked that when he was asleep all the mucus was gathering at the back of his throat, so that when he woke up in the morning he was being sick.
On the day he did come back, one of the Steve's had turned up with a black eye (I will explain this in a later blog). I metioned he looked like he'd had reconstructive surgery too.

stormtrooper in a tea cup

A week of surprises continued today when one of the guys from the other end of the office brought in the stormtrooper helmet he was putting together from a kit. I don't know why, but it broke the day up.

Alan came and took a look, and he showed me the photos of his Halo helmet that he had started making, but didn't have the time to finish.

Eric had told me last week that Junior and some of his mates had taken the week off to play with the latest expansion pack to World of Warcraft. Today I bumped into Cat, who is now Junior's girlfriend, and asked her what she thought about it. She said that she had created a character to play it, but she was only a level two, and she had much more important things to do with her time.

Junior volunteers II

I saw Junior's lady friend at the coffee machine this morning and asked her what had gone on yesterday about the film crew. She told me that they didn't actually turn up in the end. However Junior had been expecting them, and had even had a shave that morning to prepare. I asked if someone was providing a script or if he was supposed to write something. She had asked him the same thing, and because he wasn't tearing his hair out trying to think of what to say, she thought that they knew what they wanted him to say. He had told her that he wouldn't say anything on camera that he didn't agree with.

Old Mill

After the meeting I had with Junior and one of the Dave’s this morning, Dave was telling me about his recent trip with overnight stay for work. He told us that he’d had to stay over in a village with Rob, who works on his section. He’s not particularly keen on him and quite surprised after they’d booked in Rob had looked at the amenities in the surrounding area and offered a trip to the Old Mill to Dave, only a short walk around the corner from the hotel. Sadly for Dave, when they got round the corner, it was actually an old mill, not the pub he was expecting. As soon as they’d got onto the main street he saw the barbers and told Rob he was going to get his hair cut. Needless to say he didn’t enjoy his works outing with his team-mates.

More concerning was the last trip out Junior had been on with some of the managers, where he referred to them as “Coked out of their head”.

Wrist action

Junior has a group of friends he goes drinking with, who he managed to get jobs for here. One such friend, Darren, Was walking past this morning and he gave him some abuse about the previous night out. It turns out that they had been playing darts (they are bottom of the league). His friend had lost his match, and so his team had lost. Intrigued by this I asked:

Me: “Did you win your match then?”
Junior: “Yes, of course.”
Me: “With your broken wrist? How do you manage?”
Junior: “Well it does give me a bit of a problem if I get it in the wrong position.”

He gestures as if he’s throwing his dart. Becky is silent, covering her mouth in case she bursts out laughing at him.

Broken wrist, broken record

Junior was going on yesterday about how he thought he had broken his wrist. He told us that he had punched a wall for reasons that he couldn’t explain properly. So he spins his wrist around both ways as he’s telling us that it doesn’t feel right:

Becky: “If it was broken then you wouldn’t be able to move it you idiot.”
Junior: “No, it is broken …look.”
He then grabs his bad hand with his other hand and pulls his hand back as far as he could.
Junior: “See, it hurts when I do that.”

We couldn’t help but laugh.
Becky: “It’s supposed to hurt if you do that…It hurts if I did that to my
hand…fool.”

Away Day

Yesterday we went on a kind of "Middle Management Away from the Office Day", which was basically some seminar where they try to get you enthusiastic about your work and your team. It was held at a nearby hotel and food was provided, which is always nice, but often dissappointing. At one stage our boss had made an "Office" style film which he was quite convincing in as an inept manager. It was all quite funny. Then at one stage there was a scene in the background where a male and female employye went into the disabled toilets together, then came out adjusting their clothing. This was quite funny, and apparently stuff like that had gone on in years past. Then we were asked to comment on it andone team brought up the subject of inappropriate office relationships. Junior spent the next ten minutes looking over at our table red faced. He's actually on holiday at the same time as Cat today, but nobody has brought the subject up. I'm sure he was expecting me to tell the rest of the office what is going on so that they can be more open about it, but

Holidays in the Sun

Chris wanted to book some holiday:
Chris: “Ed, I wanted to book a holiday at the weekend. Is it okay…”
Junior: “You want to have the weekend as holiday? That’s fine, have both days off.”
Chris: “No, I want to book a holiday at the weekend for later in the year.”
Junior: “You What?”
Chris: “I want to book a Summer holiday at the weekend.”
Junior: “It’s still Winter. You can’t have a Summer holiday at the weekend.”
Chris: “I want a holiday in the Summer, and I want to book it at the weekend.”
Me: “You want to book some holiday for next financial year?...That should be fine, no one else has booked anything off so far for next year. When are you thinking of going?”
Chris: “July time probably. We went about that time last year.”
Me: “Where are you going?”
Chris: “We’re probably thinking of going to Tenerife.”
Me: “Really?...That shit-hole? Any of the other Canary Islands are better than Tenerife.”
Junior: “How dare you!...Tenerife is one of the best holiday places I’ve ever been to.”
Me: “How many places have you ever been to?”
Chris: “Actually, I remember you telling Dave that you weren’t very impressed by it.”
Me: “It’s overdeveloped, overcrowded, with black sand.”
Junior: “It’s got lovely golden beaches…hasn’t it?”
Me: “No, it’s all volcanic black sand.”
Junior: “Don’t listen to him. It’s bar, bar, nightclub, bar…all along the main street. If you go further out there’s some more dodgy places you can find if you know where you’re going.”
Me: “He’ll do you a map.”

Junior then goes on about him and his mates getting up to no good in seedy nightclubs. As usual his mate Neil gets into a fight or two.

Junior and Cat

Following Junior’s revelation from the other day when we went to visit Mark, when he confessed to be seeing Cat from our office, I was still surprised to see them sneaking out of the front of the building together shortly after I’d left, as I drove through the barrier to get out of the car park. I’m not too sure that he told me hoping that I would tell everyone else, so they wouldn’t have to sneak around.

Visiting Mark

Having had a long weekend I was a bit depressed about going back to work. When I got in my idea that no-one would have done anything and I would have four days worth of crap to catch up with was confirmed. Then mid morning junior said that he had phoned Mark yesterday and that we were going to go and visit him this afternoon.

Mark has been off work with a bad back for over eight months waiting for physio and lately injections in his back.
We stopped off at Subway for dinner and picked up a meatball marinara for Mark too.

Mark was glad to see us. He’s not been out much. You would have to be desperate for company to be glad to see Junior.
We started off asking how he was getting on. He’s having his injections next week and thinks he might be coming back to work the week after that. Then he asked us about the changes to the department at work. We told him all about the comings and goings while he ate his sub. Then as we relaxed a bit more Junior asked how his girlfriend was coping with looking after him. To be polite, Mark asked how Junior’s love life was. He knew that he was having trouble with his girlfriend before he had gone off sick. Junior explained that she had left him just before they were going to move into a nicer flat together, leaving him £1000 out of pocket, having already paid the deposit. We figured out that it must have been about six months ago. They had been going out together on and off for about eight years. Then surprisingly, in an unguarded moment, he confessed that he was actually seeing someone from work, and that he was hoping that things might work out with her:

Junior: “You know who I’m on about, don’t you?” (to me)
Me: “I don’t know
anything”
Junior: “You’ve heard all the rumours though?”
Me: “I’ve heard
the odd thing.”

He went on to tell Mark that he had been seeing Cath, who had worked on our section for a few months. I knew that they had been places together, because she had split with her husband last year and they were both going out “on the pull”. The boss had also been suspicious and had started rumours about the two of them, but we had assumed it was just the boss winding people up. I was probably more surprised that one of the office rumours was true, and that he had offered the information up freely.

Junior: “This is all in strictest confidence.”
Me: “Of course.” (with a
smirk).

No Overtime

For the past few weeks we have been snowed under with work. To this end Junior was asking round on Thursday if anyone would be prepared to come in to work on the Sunday. There was only Andy who reluctantly said he would do it. Junior asked his boss if he could allow them to work for time in-lieu, telling us that if we worked for four hours on Sunday we would get eight hours off another time. Sadly the boss turned him down for double time in-lieu and nobody was going to come in for a few hours on Sunday. Discussing this between ourselves we decided that he hadn’t done us any favours giving everyone rotten End of Year Reviews, and wasting time that we could have been catching up on ridiculous meet-and-greet meetings in Nottingham (which only lasted an hour before we had to drive all the way back and waste the whole day).
This week also he has lumbered Chris with some new tasks, such as helping out with Team Brief, and making Chris our lead contact for anyone unsure about where they should go for certain types of work. We were telling him that he should get Chris a badge saying “Hi I’m Chris, how may I help you?”

Junior Smells 3

So before Junior came in this morning me and Becky had been discussing what we should tell Junior he smelt like today:

Becky: “Did you hear what his excuse was for smelling that way
yesterday?”
Me: “No.”
Becky: “He said that most mornings he sprays himself
with RightGuard, then a nicer smelling deodorant. Then he sprays his clothes
with it too.”
Me: “He sprays his shirt with deodorant? That’s odd.”
Becky: “But yesterday he forgot to spray his shirt…I think.”

When Junior eventually swans in after 9.30, of course everyone else is busy working away, and nobody says anything to him. We’re all pissed off at him doing half a days work, then trying to get more work out of them. They’re also pissed off because he’s done everyone’s End of Year reviews and graded us all equally as badly, saying that we’re all still developing in their role. They’ve actually been busy covering for everyone who’s been off sick, on holiday, or moved to different sections. Rant over. He dumps his coat and bag at his desk then goes over to Becky:

Junior: “Becks, will you do me a favour?”
Becky: “What is it?”
(He lifts
up his armpit)
Junior: “Would you give me a good sniff for chlorine?”

She gives him a little smile to give him the impression that he is the King of Comedy.

Junior Smells 2

Becky had been making some funny faces. Junior had been near her showing her how to do some stuff on her computer. Eventually in the quiet part of the afternoon she spoke out:

Becky: “What brand of washing powder do you use?”

Junior grins, as if he’s been waiting for something to relieve the boredom of the afternoon, and a question like this, out of the blue, was going to lead to something.

Me: “He lives with his parents, I doubt if he actually does his own
laundry.”
Junior: “Why do you ask?”
Becky: “I can smell something?”
Me:
“I can’t really smell anything much, I’m still bunged-up from my
cold.”
Junior: “What like?”
Becky: “Kind of a Chlorine sort of
smell”
Junior: “Is it a good smell or a bad smell?”
Becky: “It’s not a
shit smell…it’s a clean smell.”
Junior: “Where do you think it’s coming
from?”
Becky: “You!”
Junior: “You’re saying I smell? When do you smell
it?”
Becky: “When you stand near me. You’ve been standing near me earlier on.
It just seems to be when you’re close…”
Junior stands up and has a sniff
about.
Becky: “Like now…I got another waft of it then.”
Me: “Maybe it’s
his deodorant? What kind of aftershave have you got on today?”
Junior:
“Beckham.” (he says with a smile as if it’s great to spray himself with a scent
designed by a footballer rather than a perfumier)
Becky: “Naahh! That’s not
it…Beckham doesn’t smell like that.”
Me: “Ahh! It depends where he bought it
from. Maybe he bought it off the market. He could be wearing fake Beckham, which
could be watered down bleach, or anything.”
Junior: “It’s not.” (changing his
expression)
Needing some kind of closure on the matter he gets up and wafts
his shirt sleeve under my nose.
Me: “There is a weird smell…it’s like
aniseed.”
Chris: “Yeah!”
Me: “Does your mom put anything on your shirts
when she irons?”
Junior: “Maybe it’s my sweat reacting with something in the
shirt?”

The discussion comes to a close. I leave it a few minutes before I carry on:

Me: “In the bank on Saturday morning there was an old geezer that smelt of piss,
and we were about six feet away from him. It would be terrible if you got any
closer to him. Not a faint whiff of dry piss or anything like that, he smelt as
if he was covered in fresh urine.”
Becky: “That’s horrible.”
Me: “He was
an old bloke with white hair, one of those who’s facial hair grows virtually all
the way up to his eye sockets, stubble up to his eyes, and big
sideburns.”
Becky: “You hear that?…” (she shouts towards Junior) “You could
smell worse…You could smell of piss!”

I imagine he’ll have a shower before he comes in to work tomorrow. I’m going to sniff him to see if he’s changed his scent.

U Pillock

Sue came down the office to ask for some help. She had a print-out with a user ID (based on the initials of the first name of the user, followed by 4 numbers) on it, but didn't know who it was from:

Sue: "Do you know how to get on that part of the portal which lets you
search for people's user IDs?"
Junior: "Yes..." (clicking on his screen) "...who are you trying to
trace?"
Sue: "This number on the bottom here...U3491."
Junior: "That's easy, that'll be..."
Me: "Go on then! Think of a name that begins with a U!"

(Thinks for a while)

Junior: "...er...Uppal?"
Me: "That's Ghurmak's surname."
Becky: "Ursula!"
Junior: "I was going to say that."
Me: "Do you know of an Ursula that works for the company?"
Once he'd typed it onto the screen it came back with no results for that
name.
Me: "It's probably a temporary user ID that IT must use for things. I'd try
them."
Becky: "Onslow, like the bloke off "Keeping up
Appearances"."
Sue: "That begins with an O."

Later the best name we could come up with was Ullyses

New Year

There’s been a lot of sick people about the office, with colds and flu about. I’ve had two weeks off with a nasty dose. When I got back in at the start of this week Junior had got a cold, which he said had been bad for a few weeks, but he’d managed to drag himself in. On Monday it had got a bit much for him and he went to his doctors, who gave him antibiotics. With New Year approaching I said to him:

Me: “What? You can’t drink any alcohol over New Year then?”
Junior: “I can
can’t I? I asked the doctor if there was anything I had to be
careful about,…could I still drive? and so on.”
Me: “Yes, you can still drink
with antibiotics. I had you going for a while though.”

The boss is temporarily sitting near us this week:

Boss: “Can’t wait for the Hogmanay Show tonight.”
Junior: “’ You stopping in
then?”
Boss: “You have to at my age…Which member of staff are you seeing
tonight?”

Cold Start

The boss comes in this morning and comments on the cold weather:

Boss: “We need it though.”
Me: “Why do we need it?”
Boss: “To kill all the
rats…You know they say that you’re never more than six feet away from a
rat.”

(We look around, we’re on the fourth floor, we give Junior a second look - he has a rat type face)

Boss: “There’s been a big increase in the rat population recently. They have to
keep eating to maintain their body fat, or else they die.”

He certainly knows a lot about rats. He goes on to tell us about the rat problem at his previous house which he found out was due to his neighbour feeding them.

Me: “So why aren’t there so many birds around this year?”
Boss: “Don’t know.
Do you know why?”
Me: “No.”
Boss: “I thought you were trying to catch me
out…I’ll certainly find out for you though.”
Me: “weren’t there fewer bees
about this year as well?”
Boss: “Bees?”
Me: “Yes bees.”
Boss: “I don’t
know.”
Me: “I’d heard that if the bees die off, then it’s only two years
before man becomes extinct.”
Boss: “That’s not something Dave told you is
it?”
Me: “No, that was a proper expert on the TV.”

Pep talk

With loads of people off sick, or with time off to do their Christmas shopping, we are struggling with the amount of work that has come in. junior decided to mention this to the boss:

Boss: “You’ll have to do a Churchill style speech,…rally the troops.”
(He saunters over to Andy’s desk)
Boss: “Come on Andy pull your finger
out!”

Junior's trouser comedy

Junior has been single handedly trying to kick start the economy this week with his terrifyingly large disposable income, now that he has split from his girlfriend and moved back in with his mom & dad. He is interviewing most of our section on Friday for the four promotions that are available. He decided on Monday that he needed some newer, smarter clothes to conduct the interviews in, having heard that the rest of the section were buying new clothes ready for their interviews. So he told us that on Monday evening he had gone late night shopping and tried on virtually everything in the shop. He listed the amount of stuff that he had bought. Then made us laugh when he told us that the shoes that he’d brought back were both left shoes when he opened the box, and he had got his dad to take them back and change them for him.
Then the other morning he came in late and explained that it was because of his new trousers. We had to ask him why his new trousers had made him late. So he explained that in the shop under artificial light he thought they were grey. So that morning he had put them on and paired them with a blue shirt. However, on leaving the house and going into the daylight, they looked more like a brown colour. So he had to go back into the house and change his shirt, because you can’t wear brown trousers with a blue shirt.
We all examined his trousers and decided that they could pass for grey or brown. Then later discussed the fact that hwe wouldn’t have bought the trousers anyway, and his new wool coat looked like a girl's.

Junior Smells

In the middle of the afternoon Junior goes over to Cath’s desk and says:

Junior: “Can you smell something around here?”
Cath: “What is it?”
Junior:
“Is it you Chris? Have you let one go?”
Chris: “No!”

I couldn’t smell anything myself over my side, but couldn’t help smirking at the way he had just come out with his accusation. Junior walks up and down for a while sniffing:

Junior: “It’s Ed, you can see him smirking.”
Me: “I’m smiling at the tone you
accused Chris in.”
Junior: “Oh.”

He carries on talking to Cath for a bit, then looks over at Andy:

Junior: “I reckon it’s Andy, he’s looking guilty.”
Andy: “It’s not.”

He lets the sublect drop then, as if he's started things off to deflect suspicion from himself.