Friday, 30 May 2008

Bacon Gum

Becky was complaining about the smell of everyone’s bacon sandwiches at breakfast time. She is trying to diet and was having cereals. Dan had been mentioning nicotine gum, trying to give up smoking, then I thought up the idea of Bacon gum for people dieting, but who want to taste the bacon. Then we decided that it would be better, seeing Becks with her cereal, to make something like Frosties, but instead of the sugar coating they could have a bacon coating. Cat told us you could get Bacon bits
At the supermarket and sprinkle those on.

Clive's Man-mamms

Clive comes in late and ends up going down for breakfast about 10.30. He asks if anyone wants anything and Dan asks him to get him a Double Decker. When Clive brings at back in his top shirt pocket it’s all warm and melted.
“It’s melted between his man-mamms!” shouts one of the Steve’s.
Clive insisted it was the only one left and that it was near the motor near the refrigerated bit, and was already melted.

Kisses on the bottom

Cath’s daughter has broken her arm and is at home at her nan’s recuperating. She’s watched all the DVDs they have in the house and Cath is desperate to get Nige to get some more DVDs burned for tomorrow, so she sent him an e-mail listing the films she wanted. When she sent it she realized that she had sent it to Nige’s wife’s e-mail, not Nige’s.
Cath: “At least I didn’t start it off -“Nigey baby” and put kisses on the bottom.”
Becks: “You put kisses at the bottom?!”
Cath: “No. I said at least I didn’t put kisses on the bottom.”
Jason (from some way away): “Who’s getting kissed on the bottom?!”

Thursday, 29 May 2008


Sadly, with the addition of more ladies to the section, the talk has got more domestic and today they turned the conversation round to ironing. Cat told us that her mom irons everything- towels, pants, socks etc. whereas she only irons the bare minimum. She then told us that she hardly irons any of her husbands stuff-
“His tee shirts, he just stuffs in his drawer anyway. By the time he comes to wear them they’re creased up. So I don’t bother, I just wedge them in his drawer before he comes home. Then when he takes them out and they are creased, I tell him he shouldn’t wedge them in his drawer so tightly. Then if I iron it for him he thinks I’m doing him a big favour, re-ironing it.”

Late 2

Dan gets up late and misses most of the morning. He strolls in just before 12.00 with his McDonalds bag and big cup. Ricky sees him first-
Rick: “What time do you call this?”
Dan: “Lunch -time.”

Late 1

George is late in and the troops are talking between each other about where he’s got to and what excuse he’ll have when he turns up. Dave has gone walk-about when George gets in around 10.00 and immediately starts a coffee machine run. Dave comes back and sees George walking towards him.
Dave (shouting): “George!”
George: “What do you want?”
As Dave: “A 52 (coffee with sugar on the machine) please mate.
George heads back to the coffee machine-
Dave: “Did you mean a drink, or did you mean “What do YOU want!””

Network down

When we got on and logged in this morning the whole of the network was down. I spent 15 minutes with my speaker phone on waiting to get through to the helpdesk, who informed me that the whole of the company’s networks were down. We ended up chatting with each other about yesterday’s interviews, among other stuff. Eric came over to see us because no one was around in his section yet. He has the same shirt on as me. It always seems that when I pick this shirt to wear, Eric also has the same idea:

Me: “If I get a team manger job you’re going to be the first one I try and head hunt for my section.”
Eric: “That’s very nice of you to say so.”
Me: (Pointing to one of the Steve’s) “You needn’t bother I’m going to head hunt you though.”
Steve: “I’m not bothered. I would probably refuse to work for you anyway.”
Eric: “You’re making the right decision there Ed. He’s very touchy and has a vile temper, doesn’t he.”

We ended up going down for breakfast early, which we were lucky with to be first down because half the place had got the same idea. The network came back on around 9.00, just after Karen had phoned the boss (who was interviewing today as well) to get an opinion about what we should do. He sent a message to say the time should be spent tidying up our desks and the rest of the office. This all happened before Junior and Alan had come in. They were upset that they’d missed all the commotion.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Interview day

Junior is early on interview day. He’s all jumpy and insisting he’s not prepared, I think it’s all just a front.

Junior:: “Are you prepared for the questioning?”

Me: “I’ve got a few scenarios ready for the questions.”

Junior: “How many scenarios have you got?”

Me: “Five or six.”

Junior: “I’ve thought up about eight. I couldn’t find anything to say was a weakness though.”

Karen and me both smirked, considering telling him his weaknesses.

Me: “We could tell you a few suggestions.”

Junior: “I think I’m just going to go with “I have an inability to recognise my weaknesses”.”

Friday, 23 May 2008

Weigh in

Nige lost 3lbs again this week, but was beaten by his missus to the prize. She lost 3 1/2 lbs this week. After Nige had finished telling us about his waistline Alan started talking to Becks about her diet. She was explaining that she wasn’t counting points or anything like that; she was just trying to eat healthier stuff. Opposite her now sits Dan, who comes in late on in the mornings with his McDonalds breakfast, and then will have KFC or Subway for dinner. He also has a bag full of snacks for during the day. As he was leaving, Alan said “Keep up the good work.” (to Becks)
Dan replied “I will.”

Foreign Integration

After showing off her hand signals and winking that Andy had taught her a while back, the Hungarian girl walked towards Andy with her fist out. After knocking her fist against his in a matey gesture Andy told her that he was relieved because he thought he was going to get punched in the stomach. He then taught her a new phrase - “How bin yer our kid?”


I haven’t touched my blog for a week or so. Sadly I’ve been pushed into applying for a number of promotions which have been advertised internally. There are a whole bunch of people who have been approached to try out for the positions even though they stand very little chance of getting the jobs. So I’ve been putting my presentation together and trying to figure out what I’m going to tell them during the questioning about my previous experience. A few people have started to drop out once the timetable for interviews was announced. The way I look at it – it’s too late in the day to drop out, it would just look bad. So the best I am hoping for is to stand my own in the interview and not make too much of a pillock of myself in front of the bog boss. Things have got a bit political already and all the candidates have been encouraged to go and introduce themselves to the interviewers and ask questions. They’ve ended up getting a mini-interview in return. I don’t like to play games like that. It’s like asking a woman’s father if you can propose to his daughter. As expected, a couple of them have booked today off to put their presentation together.

Friday, 16 May 2008

Weighty issues 2

Clive comes over with a question about a document in the file he’s just picked up. I explain that he’s going to have to do a bit extra to it than normal, because there was a bit missing.
Clive “I’ve got a better idea.” (He folds everything back up and puts it in the tray, where there is another job waiting.
Me: “I didn’t realize that there was enough about to be able to pick and choose.”
Clive “Just the one.”
He looks at the job he’s just picked up, then back at the basket, as if his new folder was going to cause him as much aggravation
Me: “Is that one no better?”

Clive is quite a rotund figure of a man, but there is a new guy on another section who is even bigger than him. I was telling Eb when I stood next to him and the new guy walked past, that I was sure that the floorboards moved as he went past. The new guy was around later, by the printer, and Dan asked if Clive would be able to take him in a fight. I suggested that we have them in a sumo fight in the car park one dinnertime.

Weighty issues

Nige now works further down the office, so the gossip that he had started weight-watchers had only got to me this week. Last night was his weigh in., Cat had got a text off him first thing telling her that he had won Weight-watcher of the week and lost 3 lbs. He got a little certificate, which he bought in to flaunt under the ladies noses, and a big basket of fruit.
The news spread down the office this morning, and everyone was asking him about it. When Dan came in late I decided I might as well tell him as well. He was un-impressed:
Dan: “It’s been really hot weather though.”
Me: “What? You’re saying he’s sweated it off?...But surely all of them will have been sweating too?”
He still asked him later if he wanted a Subway for dinner.
Hazel was asking if he’d got the new Indiana Jones film on DVD yet. He explained that he hadn’t yet.
Hazel: “Will you take me to the pictures to see it?”
Nige: “Yes…But you’ll have to pay.” (All joking)

Then Nige’s wife, on the sixth floor, heard about it and was heard to complain “He never takes me out to the cinema. I haven’t been to the cinema for …years.”

This all coincides with one of the Steve’s birthdays. He has brought in a big bunch of Pringles, crisps, onion rings, and cakes. Sarah asks how old he is and starts reading the crisp labels, looking at the fat content. Andy sees this and shouts down the office:
“Sarah Baxter what are you doing to yourself?”
“Take a leaf out of my book and eat a banana.”

Monday, 12 May 2008

The pain of childbirth

One of the Dave’s from down the office is Charlotte’s father (who now sits opposite me). Before dinner he came down to ask if she wanted a lift somewhere at dinnertime. I should explain that he and Charlotte’s mother no longer live together, and that he is re-married. He likes to pat her on the head and other fatherly stuff, which Charlotte finds embarrassing, and often tells him to “get off”.
“You’re saying no to the man who gave birth to you?” said Dave.
We had to pull him up about that, but let him say that he helped “give her life”.

He returned later, telling us that he had gone “Through the pain of childbirth”. We also had to point out that he never re-gained his shape afterwards.


Being another sunny day outside, we had four no-shows, either with excuses for why they couldn’t come into work, or “can I book today as a holiday?” requests on my section. This was a slight improvement on Friday, when Clive didn’t actually phone in until 10.30 to request the day off.

Thursday, 8 May 2008


It’s only as recently as quite recently that I’ve got so used to doing this blog during the day at work that I concentrate so much as I’m writing that I become oblivious to what is going on around me. There have been a couple of occasions that people have come to see me at my desk from other departments and not been wanting to stop me, so just stood behind me watching me type away. The other day one of the Steve’s from downstairs must have been waiting, quietly, behind my back for a good five minutes until Charlotte had to attract my attention with an “Ed!” to tell me there was someone there. Other days that I come in early and just start typing anecdotes from the day before; the place just fills up with people. I can start typing about 7:30, and there be about four or five people in the office. The next time I stop and look around it’s 8:10 and half the office are already in. I also end up with cups of coffee scattered over my desk that people have fetched for me.

Dirty Keyboards

I saw this thing yesterday that Computer keyboards were supposed to be dirtier than a toilet seat. I did want to post a response saying something like “Are you sure? Have you seen my toilet seat?”

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Steve's TV rant

Sadly we were discussing the up-coming episode of the Simpsons on Sky One. I had read that it had got Sideshow Bob, his brother and his Dad in it, all voiced by the actors off Frasier. I’m hoping to grab it when it comes on the Release-log.
Steve: “Have they sorted out the writers strike now?” (they had done this some time ago)
Me: “Yes. That’s all sorted.”
Steve: “Although some of the comedians that write their own stuff were still working. Weren’t they.”
Me: “I don’t know.”
He carries on to discuss how good American drama is now, but isn’t able to name anything that he’s watching at the moment. “What do we have?” he says “Doctor Who? It’s rubbish” (Sometimes I imagine he could have an argument with himself)
Steve: “It’s okay isn’t it. They might be bringing Rose back.”
Me: “No it’s not. Rose? What do they do to make it more exciting? Bring back old aliens from the seventies. Then for a big finale bring back the Daleks to end the series.”
Steve: “They could make up some new aliens.”
Me: “Like what, aren’t they all the same? All wanting to take over the Earth.”
Steve: “The could make some harmless ones. Like a race of Clives who are just really lazy and get in everyone’s way.”
Mark: “They could eat all the food. Then he would have to solve the food shortage.”
Me: “They could just hover over the Earth in their spaceship, blocking out the light, but be un-aware that they are causing any trouble.”

Junior's meeting

Carl had asked Cat if she was “power-dressing for the meeting tomorrow”. She said not, but he carried on with “Why don’t you get a top like Becky’s interview top, two sizes too small so that you can see everything.” Becky had been mortified at being told her new top that she had worn for the latest round of interviews was discussed in such terms.
At the meeting where Junior and Cat went to sort out what software and hardware they needed since they moved sections. Junior had been talking to one of the guys about what software he used, then one of the older men at the meeting said:
“Do you want a list of the tools that I need?”
“Yes, go on then.” said Junior.
Highlighters, and a pencil.”

Dan on wheels

Eb comes over and asks Dan if he’ll take a look at a problem he has with a document on his machine. Dan is in one of those really lazy moods and says “You’ll have to wheel me over there.”
After a few minutes where Eb thinks Dan is joking he grabs the back of Dan’s chair and slowly wheels him over to his desk. Dan puts his feet on the feet of the swivel-chair and smiles as he is wheeled over. Then when he’s finished he gets wheeled back again. There weren’t too many people around in the office that afternoon and it all went fairly un-noticed.
“I enjoyed that. I want to be wheeled everywhere from now on.”
Sadly, nobody else needed his help for the rest of the afternoon. And he never asked anyone else to wheel him about after that.
The smile on his face as he was being wheeled was amazing, like a small child at the fun-fare.

Saturday, 3 May 2008

May 1st protests

I've been reading on the portal that the company (not our regional office) has had some protesters at a couple of it's sites. I can't go into details because of the annonymous nature of my blog. But I've found it all very interesting. The internal e-mails we had played it all down just saying that they had been warned about the protesters intentions and were stepping up security, but at one stage one of the protesters got onto the roof of the one building. Excitement or what!

Casual dress

Friday was another casual clothes day. Due to the excitement with the end of the season and promotion battles and championship games coming up, a number of the guys came in with their football shirts on. This lead to much to-ing and fro-ing of banter when each of them walked in in the morning. Favourite was:
"It's supposed to be casual clothes day, not fancy dress."