Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Fat Dave Alive!

We were very pleased to hear that Fat Dave was alive and well. Ricky got a phone call from him around dinnertime. He was quite surprised to hear from him. Apparently he was trying to get through to someone in security. When he worked here he used to get lots of parcels delivered here, mostly containing parts for him to build computers (which he used to do on the side). There was some stuff which must have been delivered here for him, which he can’t get his hands on. Anyway, he’s back from Germany (they probably chucked him out) and split from his girlfriend. He’s working in a neighbouring town as an “IT Consultant” although Ricky said that when he said that over the phone, someone in the background could be heard shouting “No, tea-boy”. He ended the conversation with a “…now I’m back we should go for a drink some time.” To which Ricky replied “Yeah” (but meaning more Yeah…right.”). It set the office off reminiscing about the old days, of when he used to fall asleep at the desk. Ricky remembered him renting a posh flat in the city which had a balcony (which we thought wouldn’t support his weight) and a toilet which was screwed to the wall instead of the floor. At least twice it came off the wall, and he ended up fixing a car jack underneath it to support it.

Jim’s going on holiday everybody!!

Jim is down in the canteen before us this morning. He tells the woman behind the counter, who he knows by name, that he’ll just be taking-off this time tomorrow. I turn to Eb and say “He must be the only guy in the company who everybody knows when he’s going on holiday.”
Eb responds and tells me that he should be in a different job really. He thinks he should be in show-business. He has an all-the year-round tan, from his various trips abroad and possibly tanning-beds, and he talks to everyone. Not only that, he remembers everybody’s names.

We decide he would be a good eccentric weather man:
“Today is going to be cloudy with a few scattered showers, but that doesn’t bother me because I’m off on holiday tomorrow. I will be replaced by Steve, who won’t be doing as good a job as me of course.”

Later he sees Junior down this end of the office and comes down to tell him “I’ll be by the pool this time tomorrow”.
At that moment the woman who cleans the toilets walks past and he turn s to her and says
“Hello Jenny. I’ll be by the pool this time tomorrow”.

Meanwhile George isn’t very happy at the colour of the cup of tea someone has fetched for him.
“Look at that…(shoving it under a couple of people’s noses)…watch out for the tea.”
He sees Jim in front of him.
“That’s the colour I expect my tea to come out like.”


Alan has been on the World of Warcraft again. I asked him what he had been up to last night and he told me about a raid that he had been organising for his guild. Whenever they got going- someone would go missing or disconnect for one reason or another. They wasted half an hour or so, then decided that they were just going to attack something. They did this unsuccessfully and ended up using the “run away” battle plan.
Alan is the one who had successfully stopped playing for some time and had started a WOW Rehab blog. I suggested he change his blog to “I play WOW with idiots”. He could go into detail of how the dickheads mess up, and never seem to be able to stay connected. He could illustrate it with some lovely screenshots as well.

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Green Lorna

Lorna wasn’t having a great day. She’d got lumbered showing one of the new recruits what they did on her department. After dinner she was having a go at him, drawing attention from the rest of the office. Not only had he thrown a piece of paper away that he didn’t think was important...he’d also thrown it in the general waste bin, instead of the paper bin for recycling.

Saturday, 26 April 2008

Coffee machine capers

Dave hits the wrong keys on the coffee machine:
“Anyone want a 13?”
“What is it?”
“White coffee with sugar.”
“No thanks, not with sugar.”
Jason walks past.
“You have 13s don’t you Jase?”
“Coffee? 14?...Yes I’ll have it.”
He walks off with it. We smirk, knowing he’s got sugar in his coffee.
“Thinking and dancing.” Says Dave.

Friday, 25 April 2008

Foreign film

When Nige comes in we get down to discussing what new films he’s got. Dan and Andy had been asking about a film called “The Recorder”, which is apparently like the “Blair Witch” but involving zombies.
Nige: “Isn’t she supposed to be a reporter?” asks Nige.
Dan: “Yeah. I watched “The Orphanage” last night”
Me: “Was it scary?”
Dan: “I don’t know if you’d find it scary, I’ve become de-sensitized.”
Nige: “Did the sub-titles come on automatically?”
Dan: “No, I had to turn them on.”
Me: “It’s subtitled, not dubbed?”
Dan: “Yes, it’s Spanish. By the same guy who did Pan's Labyrinth, all subtitled.”
Me: “I couldn’t watch it. I’m too lazy to read subtitles…How about if you stick it on your computer and as you watch it record yourself reading the subtitles?”
Dan: “I’d like to do that. I could do all the different voices.”
Me: “I think that would add extra entertainment levels, listening to you doing the voices.”
Dan: “Yeah. I’ll do that.”


At the coffee machine Andy tries Sarah’s glasses on for a laugh.
Andy: “Do I look intellectual?...Do I look like a nerd?”
Me: “He does look intelligent with those on doesn’t he?”
Cat: “It would take more than a pair of glasses for him.”

Ginger trouble

After the big meetings were over our boss got us round to talk to the rest of the staff who he hadn’t invited in to the big pow-wow. One of the girls had been in the print-room and had only turned up after the chat had started. Karen stopped him and pointed out that she was now in the office and needed to be called over.
Boss: “Don’t worry about her, she’s ginger. She’s used to being left standing on her own smelling of piss.”
Cat: “ I do not smell of pee!”

Big wig meeting

The company is going through a restructure, and there are a lot of promotions all becoming available at once. To allay people’s fears of missing out or moving around the big boss has been laying on meetings for managers and high –up staff. My boss invited me to a meeting at the last minute.
Boss: “Do you want to come along to a meeting to explain the restructure?”
Me: “Yes. When is it?”
Boss: “Now.”
Me: “Which room?”
Boss: “Follow me.”
He grabs Eric as well and we start tearing down the stairs, except I’d just finished my breakfast and had got a full, boiling hot cup of coffee in my hand, so I was a little slower.
I hate high level meetings where everyone talks in acronyms and other arms of the business which I know nothing about. At one stage one of them came out with T & Cs (terms and conditions), which made me think for a few seconds. I was worried that it could have been teas and coffees and that they were going to ration the trips to the coffee machine.

Monday, 21 April 2008

Cultural Blackspot

Due to my lateness, and the amount of resulting traffic, I felt compelled to take a short-cut behind the park, which misses out a couple of nasty sets of traffic lights. I’m glad I did because I was cheered up no end by a poster which was on the boarding surrounding a new housing development. It was just a big black circle on a white background, which said “Cultural Blackspot” over the top of it.

Friday, 18 April 2008

French stink - official

From the look of this I could have believed that this was an old April Fool:

New female presence

Since the latest move-round there are a lot more female staff up our end of the office now. It’s tough to gage how much of a sense of humour they have, or how quickly we might offend them. They normally get away with wearing anything they want to work, tee shirts often. This morning one of them turned up in a crisp white blouse and I was at a loss whether to mention that she looked smarter, or nice. I could have got the “I normally look like crap, do I?” response. Or I could have appeared creepy, commenting on her clothes. With the lads in the office it’s easy to just get stuck in if they’ve made a mistake with their shirt or a new pair of shoes. We would just rip into them. Today though, I’ve decided to bite my tongue until I’ve managed to work out how easily they might be offended.

Film 2008

Men shouldn't be subjected to "Chic-flick" movies. this is Mark’s review of 27Dresses:
"I got up and did the washing up"

Thursday, 17 April 2008

Steve's thought power

I walked past one of the Steve’s this morning, he looked to be staring at his screen without moving either hand.
Me: “Trying to move things on the screen using the power of your mind?”
Steve: “Yes, (sarcastically back) that’s exactly what I’m doing.”
Me: “It’s not working. ..You need one of those hats to enhance your brainwaves.”
Steve: “They actually do sell them nowadays.”
Me: “No, one of those home-made silver foil things with coat-hanger antennae on.”
Steve: “Yes that would help greatly.”
Me: “Traditionally though, they’re used to stop the aliens reading your thoughts aren’t they?”
Steve: “Yes, I know the kind of thing you mean.”

Nige's movements

Sadly Nige has moved further down the office in the latest move and he’s also been away for a few days. Eric has been given the task of keeping an eye on anything funny going on down there that I might have missed. This morning he witnessed Nige coming in and Mark putting is arms out to hug him, telling him that he had missed him such a lot. “Don’t pull away,” he said when Nige avoided his arms.

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

Guitar Hero

Andy walked in this morning with his “guitar hero” box tucked underneath his arm. I asked him if he was going to plug it in. He said maybe. There was that episode of “IT Crowd” where they were playing it in the office, but there were only three people in the office. We have a large open plan office, so there would be a bit more disruption. As it turns out, he had only brought it in to lend to Mark. They ended up playing cards at dinnertime instead.

Bad result

Sadly Junior’s team lost last night, so we weren’t expecting him in early. Eric had also gone to the match, but not got tanked-up before hand. He was a bit glum about it, but said that they both performed well and it could have gone either way. He did call me back and tell me about Junior getting a steward to walk him over from one stand to the other at half-time, just so they he could talk to him and have a half-time analysis.
Eric: “I don’t know how he managed to convince him to walk him over.”
Me: “They don’t do that much anyway do they, stewards.”
Eric: “He stood there like a spare part all the time Junior was talking to me, listening in to the conversation.”
Me: “How was Junior, was he completely drunk.”
Eric: “He was drunk, you could smell it on him, but he was cognisant. He could hold a conversation.”
Me: “Maybe that’s why the steward was with him, to keep an eye on him, if he smelt he’d been drinking. They were probably watching him…ear-marked him as a potential trouble maker.”

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Hyper Junior

Junior has been hyper all day. He’s only doing half a day because he’s going to get tanked up in the afternoon before going to the football. Considering the kick-off is 7.45pm, that’s some drinking time they need.
He got into work just after 7.30am this morning, which is unheard of for him, then spent an hour or so messing about with the settings on his and “Quiet” Mark’s Nokia N95s, so that he could video conference in our 2.30pm meeting that he was missing out on. The tests worked and we were going to sit him in the middle of the table while the meeting was taking place. It would have been just like Charlie’s Angels. I wanted to find out if we could video it as it happened, then add a different soundtrack to it.Whatever hapened to that covert footage we had of him with his wireless headphones on that we were going to set to music? Karen thought he was buzzing so much that when we were going down for breakfast she told me not to let him buy any Red Bulls. As it happened, he was further along the queue than me, so once he’d got his sandwich he went straight for the chilled drinks cabinet and waved his Red Bull in the air in defiance before paying. I had to explain that he’d waved his Red Bull at me when she asked why I’d ignored her. It then appeared that the boss wanted to come to the meeting to see what we were up to, and to tell us some news the he had. In the end Junior reconsidered things. So by 2.30 he had either forgotten he was going to do it, or thought better of it.
He might have a good time at the football, but he missed some vital news about a fair number of promotions on the cards, which I’m not sure we should tell him about.

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Lorna’s lettuce

Lorna is a strange girl. She drinks warm water instead of coffee, and comes to work with bags full of chopped up lettuce which she eats during the afternoon. For dinner today she had a lasagne from the canteen which stunk the place out, then started munching on her big bag full of lettuce. Around this time Mark is down our end of the office.
Mark: “Are you eating lettuce, Lorna?”
Lorna: “Yes. I happen to like it. I could eat it all day.”
Mark turns to Nige.
Mark: “I bet you wish you liked eating lettuce.”
(After a pause) Nige: “Do you know what I like about You?”
Nige & Mark(together): “Nothing!”

Later on Andy walks down to see what films Nige has got new, just as Mark is shouting more abuse down the office.
Nige: “I’ll sort you both out.”
Andy: “I’ve got no beef with you… I’m on your side when it comes to him.”

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

New recruit

There is a new recruit started on our section, to replace Eric (who got a promotion last month). I hadn’t met him till this morning. When we all went down for breakfast Karen told him that we were going to the canteen and that he should tag along if he wanted anything to eat.
“No thanks,” he said, “I had something before I came out.”
“You can have more than one breakfast…have you seen Clive?” I told him.

Eric's cookie

Eric came down the office to talk to Nige, in a pretend strop. He couldn’t really keep a straight face. As it turns out, Mark had upset Nige this morning before Eric got in and Nige had seen a packet of cookies on Mark’s desk and given them a bashing (physically, not edibley/ smashing them up in the packet). As it ends up, they were Eric’s cookies. He’d got some stuff on Mark’s desk because he was showing him the ropes for his new job.
Mark: “I watched him do it.” (he’d let him carry on, knowing they weren’t his cookies)
Steve: “They’re still edible aren’t they?… Save him having to do so much chewing.”

Nige's new nose

Nige was back this week. I asked him how he liked his new nose (I don’t think it’s any different in shape). He says he’s very happy with it, but he didn’t have a very good recovery period. He’d got an infection in the first week and felt dreadful. Some of it must have been the effects of the anaesthetic as well. For the first week he felt tired all the time and didn’t feel like doing anything.
“That’s like what Dan has.” I told him.
He’s much better now and happy that he can breathe better. He’s still having to wash out his nostrils with a salt water and bicarbonate of soda mixture.
When Mark was hassling Nige, I told Mark that he would offer him out on the car park, as long as he avoided his nose.

Friday, 4 April 2008

Late Friday shenanigans

Andy and Dave continue their reign of terror on Jim, telling him that he is repeating himself all the time. With most of this end of the office going at 3.00 on Friday afternoon I could hear more of what was going on. When Jim goes out of the office to use his mobile Andy says “You know were talking about football now? Well when Jim comes back stop talking completely, so he thinks we’re talking about him…plus, if he sees were talking about football he’ll star and you won’t be able to stop him.”
They play up Mo a bit, and ask him to get them a round of drinks in, which he does.
When Jim comes back in:
Jim: “Mo’s still here look, he loves it down here.”
Mo: “We were just talking about you. I might as well be off because they’ll stop now.”
Jim: “That’s alright mate, I’m used to it by now.”
Mo goes and Andy and Dave carry on niggling away at Jim. He sneezes (quite loudly).
Dave is straight in: “You have to make a meal of things don’t you, even when you sneeze.”
Jim sees that everyone else has got a coffee and complains, then goes and fetches his own. The others tell him that he wasn’t around when Mo got the drinks in. When he got a bit het-up he also came out with: “You’ll be waking up with a crowd around you.”
Andy: “He’s getting all confrontational.”

Missing Rach

As it turned out, Rachael didn’t show up for work this morning. Everyone was asking where she was, but she didn’t bother to phone in. Then around 2.o’clock she phoned in on someone else’s extension to ask if she could book the day off as holiday. She reckoned that she had broken her phone and couldn’t find the number to ring. For some reason she had been painting her kitchen instead of coming in to work. What was funny was that she wasn’t very happy with Dan’s text message telling her it was plain clothes day, and that she should come in dressed as Vicky Pollard. “Tell him he’s in trouble on Monday.”
Dan decided he was bored and asked if he could book the afternoon off as holiday.

Thursday, 3 April 2008

Dan's short days

It was about 9.45 when Dan phoned me to tell me he was going to be late in. I told him that he already was. 9.30 is the latest he should be starting without getting prior notice. It was about 10.45 or 11.00 when he eventually turned up. He just complained that he hadn’t gone to sleep until 5.00 in the morning. More like he hadn’t gone to bed till then. What was funny was that when people started leaving at 3.00 in the afternoon, which is the earliest you can leave on flexitime, he turned round and said:
“Oh, it’s home time. That came round fast.”
“It does seem a short time from when you got in.” I told him.
He did manage to stay until 4.00. He’s going to have some time to catch up at the end of the month again.

Plain clothes

Tomorrow is a plain clothes day at work. I told Dan to text Rachael, who only works Mondays and Fridays, to tell her to come in her shell-suit. She would be the spitting image of Vicky Pollard from Little Britain.

Tuesday, 1 April 2008

Geek pranks

We did like mainly the one where you make the HP Printers say "Insert Coin". We didn't get a chance to try it out thought.

April Fool

Sadly there were no April Fool jokes around this morning. In fact it wasn’t until dinnertime, when I got onto the internet, that I realized it was April 1st. Apparently Nige had caught an infection following his nose operation, so he felt really rough for the first week. Andy from down the other end of the office has had the same operation. He said that the worst thing was when they yanked out the cotton wool from his nostrils
Clive: “Like Michael Palin…in “A Fish Called Wanda”?” (We had to think for a few seconds)
Me: “He had chips shoved up his nostrils.”
Clive: “Oh yeah.”