Away Day

Yesterday we went on a kind of "Middle Management Away from the Office Day", which was basically some seminar where they try to get you enthusiastic about your work and your team. It was held at a nearby hotel and food was provided, which is always nice, but often dissappointing. At one stage our boss had made an "Office" style film which he was quite convincing in as an inept manager. It was all quite funny. Then at one stage there was a scene in the background where a male and female employye went into the disabled toilets together, then came out adjusting their clothing. This was quite funny, and apparently stuff like that had gone on in years past. Then we were asked to comment on it andone team brought up the subject of inappropriate office relationships. Junior spent the next ten minutes looking over at our table red faced. He's actually on holiday at the same time as Cat today, but nobody has brought the subject up. I'm sure he was expecting me to tell the rest of the office what is going on so that they can be more open about it, but

Junior Smells 3

So before Junior came in this morning me and Becky had been discussing what we should tell Junior he smelt like today:

Becky: “Did you hear what his excuse was for smelling that way
yesterday?”
Me: “No.”
Becky: “He said that most mornings he sprays himself
with RightGuard, then a nicer smelling deodorant. Then he sprays his clothes
with it too.”
Me: “He sprays his shirt with deodorant? That’s odd.”
Becky: “But yesterday he forgot to spray his shirt…I think.”

When Junior eventually swans in after 9.30, of course everyone else is busy working away, and nobody says anything to him. We’re all pissed off at him doing half a days work, then trying to get more work out of them. They’re also pissed off because he’s done everyone’s End of Year reviews and graded us all equally as badly, saying that we’re all still developing in their role. They’ve actually been busy covering for everyone who’s been off sick, on holiday, or moved to different sections. Rant over. He dumps his coat and bag at his desk then goes over to Becky:

Junior: “Becks, will you do me a favour?”
Becky: “What is it?”
(He lifts
up his armpit)
Junior: “Would you give me a good sniff for chlorine?”

She gives him a little smile to give him the impression that he is the King of Comedy.

Junior Smells 2

Becky had been making some funny faces. Junior had been near her showing her how to do some stuff on her computer. Eventually in the quiet part of the afternoon she spoke out:

Becky: “What brand of washing powder do you use?”

Junior grins, as if he’s been waiting for something to relieve the boredom of the afternoon, and a question like this, out of the blue, was going to lead to something.

Me: “He lives with his parents, I doubt if he actually does his own
laundry.”
Junior: “Why do you ask?”
Becky: “I can smell something?”
Me:
“I can’t really smell anything much, I’m still bunged-up from my
cold.”
Junior: “What like?”
Becky: “Kind of a Chlorine sort of
smell”
Junior: “Is it a good smell or a bad smell?”
Becky: “It’s not a
shit smell…it’s a clean smell.”
Junior: “Where do you think it’s coming
from?”
Becky: “You!”
Junior: “You’re saying I smell? When do you smell
it?”
Becky: “When you stand near me. You’ve been standing near me earlier on.
It just seems to be when you’re close…”
Junior stands up and has a sniff
about.
Becky: “Like now…I got another waft of it then.”
Me: “Maybe it’s
his deodorant? What kind of aftershave have you got on today?”
Junior:
“Beckham.” (he says with a smile as if it’s great to spray himself with a scent
designed by a footballer rather than a perfumier)
Becky: “Naahh! That’s not
it…Beckham doesn’t smell like that.”
Me: “Ahh! It depends where he bought it
from. Maybe he bought it off the market. He could be wearing fake Beckham, which
could be watered down bleach, or anything.”
Junior: “It’s not.” (changing his
expression)
Needing some kind of closure on the matter he gets up and wafts
his shirt sleeve under my nose.
Me: “There is a weird smell…it’s like
aniseed.”
Chris: “Yeah!”
Me: “Does your mom put anything on your shirts
when she irons?”
Junior: “Maybe it’s my sweat reacting with something in the
shirt?”

The discussion comes to a close. I leave it a few minutes before I carry on:

Me: “In the bank on Saturday morning there was an old geezer that smelt of piss,
and we were about six feet away from him. It would be terrible if you got any
closer to him. Not a faint whiff of dry piss or anything like that, he smelt as
if he was covered in fresh urine.”
Becky: “That’s horrible.”
Me: “He was
an old bloke with white hair, one of those who’s facial hair grows virtually all
the way up to his eye sockets, stubble up to his eyes, and big
sideburns.”
Becky: “You hear that?…” (she shouts towards Junior) “You could
smell worse…You could smell of piss!”

I imagine he’ll have a shower before he comes in to work tomorrow. I’m going to sniff him to see if he’s changed his scent.

U Pillock

Sue came down the office to ask for some help. She had a print-out with a user ID (based on the initials of the first name of the user, followed by 4 numbers) on it, but didn't know who it was from:

Sue: "Do you know how to get on that part of the portal which lets you
search for people's user IDs?"
Junior: "Yes..." (clicking on his screen) "...who are you trying to
trace?"
Sue: "This number on the bottom here...U3491."
Junior: "That's easy, that'll be..."
Me: "Go on then! Think of a name that begins with a U!"

(Thinks for a while)

Junior: "...er...Uppal?"
Me: "That's Ghurmak's surname."
Becky: "Ursula!"
Junior: "I was going to say that."
Me: "Do you know of an Ursula that works for the company?"
Once he'd typed it onto the screen it came back with no results for that
name.
Me: "It's probably a temporary user ID that IT must use for things. I'd try
them."
Becky: "Onslow, like the bloke off "Keeping up
Appearances"."
Sue: "That begins with an O."

Later the best name we could come up with was Ullyses

Job Opportunities

Most of my lads are applying for the promotions which are currently on offer around the company. There are a total of 46 applying for about 8 jobs. I've tried to set them up with as much information as I can without giving them the interview questions. They are all iontelligent lads, but they still seem to give off the impression of schoolboys who have spent their spare time playing football or computer games instead of revising for their exams.

Asda be a good idea

The canteen is currently being renovated, a process that will take four weeks or so. We used to use the canteen as an impromptu meeting venue, and had booked a couple of meetings to take place in there. Sadly no other meeting rooms are available around the building. Instead Junior had organised a meeting for today Meeting at Asda’s café down the road. I thought it was a joke at first, then asked if he couldn’t just move a few people round to create enough space to conduct the meeting in the office. He said it was confidential.

Above and beyond

Glen was in before me this morning messing about with computers on his lots team. I asked what he was up to and was told that he was moving machines around.

Me: “You’re doing it yourself, rather than getting IT to do it?”
Glen: “Yes,
they charge £60 for each machine.”
Me: “Aren’t they going to be upset when IT
have to deal with a problem on one of them and they aren’t on the right desk
number?”
Glen: “No. They don’t keep a record of the machine and desk numbers.
We update the drawing which tells us where each machine is.”
Me: “Why are you
doing it so early?”
Glen: “I’ve got to do it before any of the bosses come
in. They don’t want to know about it. ..That’s what I’ve been told, “if anybody
asks we don’t know about it.””

So he’d come in early for no extra pay, flexi-time doesn’t start until 7.30a.m. to do something that his boss had told him to do, but would deny knowledge of if asked.

Me: “Have you got many to do?”
Glen: “Only this one and that one (pointing to
a couple of desks further down)…but next week I’ve got to bring one down from
the sixth floor and swap it for that one.”

Moving Seats

This week I moved seats following my promotion, which starts properly on September 1st. I was very sad to leave my chair of about 3 years, and I will miss all the fun conversations I had with Dan, Rach, Clive, and the rest of them. Over this side of the office the dynamics are all wrong. Everyone is out to impress everyone else, and nobody seems to have any funny stories. I can’t see all the way down the office anymore to see what the other sections are up to and I can’t see the coffee machine, which used to be the hub of activity that was blog worthy. Eric is taking my chair on Monday, and I’m giving him instructions to inform me abouit everything I miss. It’s probably a bit much to ask him to write it all down for me, I might as well hand my blog over to him. The one good thing about my new chair is the fact that nobody can see my monitor, so I could try and write some more of my novel in the quiet periods.

Swipers

For some time there has been some work going on around the building with people fitting security devices next to the doors on each floor. We were told that they wouldn’t be active until September, however we got this e-mail on Friday afternoon:

"Due to regulatory compliance following the integration of Data Retrieval and Data Management staff, swipereadershave been installed across the site.
This afternoon the readers in the Main Building will become active and you will need to swipe your access card to gain entry to each floor.
If you do not have an access card please contact the Security Team on the ground floor of the main building.
Thank for your co-operation - Facilities"

Yes, the e-mail did say “swipereadershave.” We all wondered if that was a new kind of razor. Late on Friday afternoon the swiper system to get into our office door from the corridor was switched on. This caused great problems on Friday (turning it on at the end of the afternoon for one).
Everyone has complained that they have to take their card with them even if they just go for a pee. Us sensible people have shirt pockets, but some of them have now had to start wearing them around their necks.
There are pockets of resistance. Andy is unhappy to have his toilet visits scrutinized, so he knocks on the door and gets Becky (who sits closest to the door) to let him back in.

This is just the kind of important thing that you would think our monthly Team Brief would inform you about. We had Team Brief on the Friday afternoon straight after dinner, and there was no mention of it.
There was the latest news from above that mobile phone ring tones are now banned from our office. Some people did have some terribly annoying ring tones, also they would leave their phones on the desk to ring when they went walkabout, rather than take their “mobile” phone with them. So there used to be people running back down the office to answer their phone, or the people at the adjacent desks having to put the phone inside the drawer. Now we are only allowed to have them on vibrate. So we’ll probably be having mobile races along the desks later on in the week, seeing which phones have the most powerful vibrate.

A lot of wind on Friday afternoon

Friday afternoon was odd because we had a guest speaker coming to address us in the canteen about “Changing Energy”. He blamed privatisation and the early running down of the coalmining industry. He mentioned alternative sources of energy, which would be many years away. A new nuclear power plant would take fifteen years to get up and running. Then he spoke against wind energy because he wanted to know where we would get our energy from when it wasn’t windy.

This brings me on to later in the afternoon. That was always Windy Miller’s problem wasn’t it, waiting for the wind.
George, Eric, Andy and one of the Steve’s were sitting around discussing the old TV programmes they watched as kids. Bod, Starfleet, Masters of the Universe, Captain Scarlet, Trumpton, Buck Rogers, Roger Ramjet Hong Kong Phooey they all got a mention. We’d got onto this through talking about how much money the bosses were on, so they could pay for their fuel without a worry. By the time the shortages and power-cuts come they’ll be emigrated to some beach somewhere without civil war breaking out. Jersey was mentioned, because that was where all the millionaires go to live. In fact you have to get a license to live there, and they don’t take any riff-raff. The only scum on the island are the ones who were born there and do all the work. This got us on to Bergerac, which leads us on to Midsomer Murders, and finally the declining state of television in general. Dan had never heard of Bergerac, so we said that we would have to see if Nige can get hold of it on DVD.

Andy: “I sit in bed on Saturday mornings having a flick about.”
Eric: “Too much information.” (smirking all round, so Andy repeats it).
Andy: “I have a flick about on Saturday morning….and I discovered the old Batman series. Eh? Biff!, Ker-pow!!”
Eric: “The Adam West one?”
Andy: “Yes.”
Eric: “What was the bloke who played Robin called…?”
Me: “Burt Ward.”
Eric: “That’s right. Didn’t he end up doing porn films?”
Me: “I don’t know about that.”
Steve (almost simultaneously fast): “Yes he did.”
Eric: “There was something worrying about the authority with which you told us that.”
Me: “He’s got the complete set on DVD.”

Interview results

Today we were given the results of the interviews for the latest manager jobs. I went in before Alan and Junior and was relieved to be told I hadn’t got the job. Then I was amazed when Junior came out later and told us that he had got one of the jobs, knowing how much the boss thinks he’s a prat. Then Alan came out, who we thought should get something if anyone was going to, and he had got one too. They haven’t told anyone which sections they will be managing yet though. I was quite happy thinking that we might all fail. Now I’m jealous of the money they’re going to get. I’m now bothered that they might stick Junior as my manager, which a few of us will find intolerable.
Then it was followed by a load of “congratulations manager” back slapping between my boss and the others who had come out successful. I started off saying that I’ll remember Junior as a young office-boy.
Then my boss came out with “I remember when he was Gouldie’s bitch!” towards one of the Dave’s who had also been promoted.

What's with Terry

Terry from the third floor is usually a happy, jovial kind of character, whether you’re in the mood for it or not. So this morning when he showed his face on the fourth floor early I said “Alright Terry?”
“No” he said “Everything’s crap!”. He then went on to tell me about how some geezer is hassling him for a job he can’t finish because of some missing plans.
After he’d gone Becks said “I bet you’re glad you asked him now.”

IT trouble

There area a new bunch of rules for making up passwords which we have to adhere to now. Everyone has had to change their password to their computer last week. Becks came in this morning and was having trouble remembering her password and was eventually blocked-out after three goes. She phoned IT who asked her to get someone to request a “password reset” by e-mail, which I did for her. Eventually they replied with a new password, “yellow12”. I passed this on to Becks, and because they were so specific I reminded her that it was case-sensitive. She tried this 3 times and got blocked out again. I e-mailed IT back and they told her to try again with “yellow12”. It didn’t work again, so we phoned them back and explained what was happening. I had checked that she had made it all lower-case. Eventually we heard the IT guy at the next desk, to the woman we were talking to, shout over “That needs to be a capital Y”. They had e-mailed us over a password which they hadn’t made case-sensitive. We tried “Yellow12” (with a capital Y) and it was fine.

Asbestos stickers

Last week we weren’t worried about the threat of asbestos poisoning. After this e-mail though we have all been trying to find the stickers.

“Asbestos Sticker labels
Colleagues on site may have noticed that stickers have appeared in various locations around the site regarding the presence of Asbestos.
This labelling up exercise has been done following the latest asbestos survey that has been carried out to comply with the Control of Asbestos Regulations. Under these regulations, we have a duty to manage and to monitor the condition of asbestos in our buildings and to ensure it is not disturbed. The stickers have been placed on the window sills (among other locations) because the cores of the original sills, which are still in place inside the timber casing, contain low risk asbestos cement.
All asbestos on site is monitored and managed and poses no risk to site occupants. There is no cause for concern.
Thank you”

Following the e-mail we’ve all been reading up about it and all the wheezing from hay-fever has turned a bit more sinister.

Rock'n'roll

One of the women from the other end of the office had bought in a load of mint flavoured rock for Karen. This was very thick, large sections of green and black striped stuff. Karen invited anyone who wanted some to have some, but there were no takers and after staring at it for the morning they decided it needed breaking up into manageable pieces. Alan picked up the thin polythene bag which held it and looked about for something to use to break it.
Karen: “She was whacking it on the floor to break it.”
Me: “Use the side of the desk…that metal part.”

After thinking for it he decided it was going to be the floor. He raised the bag up high and smashed it on the floor with a mighty whack.
The bag split wide open and the floor was showered with little tiny shards of rock and about four big chunks which stayed intact. We laughed for a good 5 minutes then tried scraping the stuff off the floor. Alan ended up using cellotape to get the little shards up. As he finished Karen said:
“Now we’ve got nothing to suck on this afternoon.”

Dead Rozzer

When I was almost at work this morning there was a police motorbike with a lorry he’d pulled over near the shops, down the road from work. I wasn’t sure if there was a speed trap operating along the road.
Then when Dan came in at 8.30 he reckoned he’d seen a rozzer lying motionless in the outside lane of the dual carriageway, (coming from the other end of the road) looking like he had come off his bike. With the amount of rain we’d had this morning you would think they would have more sense than to send out rozzers on motorbikes to race up and down after speeding motorists.

Bacon Gum

Becky was complaining about the smell of everyone’s bacon sandwiches at breakfast time. She is trying to diet and was having cereals. Dan had been mentioning nicotine gum, trying to give up smoking, then I thought up the idea of Bacon gum for people dieting, but who want to taste the bacon. Then we decided that it would be better, seeing Becks with her cereal, to make something like Frosties, but instead of the sugar coating they could have a bacon coating. Cat told us you could get Bacon bits
At the supermarket and sprinkle those on.

Network down

When we got on and logged in this morning the whole of the network was down. I spent 15 minutes with my speaker phone on waiting to get through to the helpdesk, who informed me that the whole of the company’s networks were down. We ended up chatting with each other about yesterday’s interviews, among other stuff. Eric came over to see us because no one was around in his section yet. He has the same shirt on as me. It always seems that when I pick this shirt to wear, Eric also has the same idea:

Me: “If I get a team manger job you’re going to be the first one I try and head hunt for my section.”
Eric: “That’s very nice of you to say so.”
Me: (Pointing to one of the Steve’s) “You needn’t bother I’m going to head hunt you though.”
Steve: “I’m not bothered. I would probably refuse to work for you anyway.”
Eric: “You’re making the right decision there Ed. He’s very touchy and has a vile temper, doesn’t he.”

We ended up going down for breakfast early, which we were lucky with to be first down because half the place had got the same idea. The network came back on around 9.00, just after Karen had phoned the boss (who was interviewing today as well) to get an opinion about what we should do. He sent a message to say the time should be spent tidying up our desks and the rest of the office. This all happened before Junior and Alan had come in. They were upset that they’d missed all the commotion.

Promotions

I haven’t touched my blog for a week or so. Sadly I’ve been pushed into applying for a number of promotions which have been advertised internally. There are a whole bunch of people who have been approached to try out for the positions even though they stand very little chance of getting the jobs. So I’ve been putting my presentation together and trying to figure out what I’m going to tell them during the questioning about my previous experience. A few people have started to drop out once the timetable for interviews was announced. The way I look at it – it’s too late in the day to drop out, it would just look bad. So the best I am hoping for is to stand my own in the interview and not make too much of a pillock of myself in front of the bog boss. Things have got a bit political already and all the candidates have been encouraged to go and introduce themselves to the interviewers and ask questions. They’ve ended up getting a mini-interview in return. I don’t like to play games like that. It’s like asking a woman’s father if you can propose to his daughter. As expected, a couple of them have booked today off to put their presentation together.

Weighty issues 2

Clive comes over with a question about a document in the file he’s just picked up. I explain that he’s going to have to do a bit extra to it than normal, because there was a bit missing.
Clive “I’ve got a better idea.” (He folds everything back up and puts it in the tray, where there is another job waiting.
Me: “I didn’t realize that there was enough about to be able to pick and choose.”
Clive “Just the one.”
He looks at the job he’s just picked up, then back at the basket, as if his new folder was going to cause him as much aggravation
Me: “Is that one no better?”

Clive is quite a rotund figure of a man, but there is a new guy on another section who is even bigger than him. I was telling Eb when I stood next to him and the new guy walked past, that I was sure that the floorboards moved as he went past. The new guy was around later, by the printer, and Dan asked if Clive would be able to take him in a fight. I suggested that we have them in a sumo fight in the car park one dinnertime.