The same theme tune

I am finding Nev increasingly difficult to take seriously. He talks about motivating the staff, yet seems the least motivated of the bunch, and most active to try and move on. When he gets a bollocking from his manager he always passes this down and tells everyone to cut out the chat and joking around. He always laughs at Jason though when he comes out with one of his stories. But most of all I find him really funny when he is trying to come out with a well known phrase that someone else has obviously used to him, but he can’t remember properly. Today he was passing down a bollocking and came out with:
“We have to all be singing from the same theme tune, or whatever.”

Playing Fast Ball with the boss

I still get the odd e-mail from my previous boss. I'm not sure if the term fast ball really goes with the word faffing. I think that just using the term fast ball makes him a dickhead:

“Team, please be advised that the attached is a bit of a fast
ball!
There appears to be some confusion of who should be completing
the Diversity Course – Managers, Team Leaders or both.
As it only takes
an hour and all training is good training, save faffing about, can you all
please complete the course before the end of the month.”

Nev's new laptop

Nev has had his desktop PC replaced with a laptop. He had it for the week before he went on holiday. The first day he was late in because he had to turn round and go home to fetch it. For the rest of the week he was wittering that he was going to forget it one day. On his first day back off holiday, yesterday, he came in asking if there was anyone off on holiday today. I pointed out that Jason was off sitting two exams.

“Good he said, I can use his machine for the day.”

Then sheepishly in a quieter tone:

…”I’ve left my laptop at home.”

Suspicious Security man

There is a big TV screen in reception which gets turned on around dinnertime, for some reason, showing Sky News. Allan and myself came out of the revolving doors to go home early one afternoon. The picture on the screen was that of the paedophile that was involved as a suspect in the Madeleine McCann investigation. The security guard, at the reception desk, standing underneath the screen showed an amazing resemblance to the photograph. I pointed it out to Allan, but we didn’t turn him in to the police.

Swine Flu Update

A couple of weeks ago we got this e-mail:

Swine Flu update
Updated swine flu advice for managers
You may have heard
today that a case of swine flu is suspected on site. The individual concerned
here.
This note is to explain the situation to you so that you can deal
with any concerns your team may raise. It is not designed for onward cascade but
to help you answer questions in a low-key way.
While we should remain
vigilant and follow simple hygiene measures, at this stage a positive diagnosis
would not result in a need to change our business as usual behaviour or
practices.
As such, there is no need to avoid travel here.
What this
means
In an organisation the size of ours, it is perhaps inevitable that we
will see cases at some point during the outbreak.
Steps we have
taken
Today both the Central Pandemic Planning Group and the Incident
Management Team met to ensure we respond in line with our pandemic action
plans.
What you should do
This note is not for onward cascade but
please read through it and prepare for any questions your team may
have.
Supporting your team
The information below will give you the details
you need to answer any questions or concerns that your teams may have. Should
you need further detail, refer to the Portal, where you can read the latest
swine flu update and follow links to NHS advice. The risk of infection remains low. Close
contact, meaning within 1m for an hour or more, is needed for the virus to
potentially spread from person to person. We should all remain vigilant and
follow simple hygiene measures as this is the single most effective way
to slow the spread of viruses including swine flu.

John, one of the Team Leaders of another section shouts:

"Have you had that e-mail about the swine flu? It says to avoid travelling to
here.
No I haven’t had that one. They must have only sent it to Team
Leaders, they don’t care about us operators…Does that mean we can all go
home."

Later on:

“I think we should be told if it’s anyone in our department… not necessarily who
though.”
“I think they should tell us who, and then make them wear a big
yellow star on their shirt…or an orange jump suit.”
“John, re-read your
e-mail…it says you don’t have to avoid travelling here.”

John starts coughing very unconvincingly. We all laughed.
John adds:

"You’re more likely to get killed on your way home tonight."

Sue:

"Thanks for that John."

On yer bike

Jason is now cycling to work and in with the cycling crowd now. Every now and then they come up and tell him that his bike has got a puncture, when it hasn’t. “The good news…” one of them was telling him”…is that it’s only flat at the bottom of the tyre.” Hilarious stuff.
Today he actually went down to take a look, because they were so insist ant, and he did have a flat tyre. Luckily Jason was on a half day and was being picked up by his girlfriend, not cycling home.

Old Mill

After the meeting I had with Junior and one of the Dave’s this morning, Dave was telling me about his recent trip with overnight stay for work. He told us that he’d had to stay over in a village with Rob, who works on his section. He’s not particularly keen on him and quite surprised after they’d booked in Rob had looked at the amenities in the surrounding area and offered a trip to the Old Mill to Dave, only a short walk around the corner from the hotel. Sadly for Dave, when they got round the corner, it was actually an old mill, not the pub he was expecting. As soon as they’d got onto the main street he saw the barbers and told Rob he was going to get his hair cut. Needless to say he didn’t enjoy his works outing with his team-mates.

More concerning was the last trip out Junior had been on with some of the managers, where he referred to them as “Coked out of their head”.

Lottery Rollover

Sadly we are doing the Euro lottery quite frequently now, because nobody has won the big Rollover (currently at 80million). We won £6 last week because we got a line with both “Lucky stars” on, so I suggested that they each pay 30p and we play again this week. Collecting the money; Eric asked if I had got ten pence change. Before my mind engaged I asked
“Why, have you got a 40p piece?”

Of course had had got two twenty pence pieces.

No Fun Sunday

One of the guys in the office walked in first thing on Monday and announced that he had been on the toilet all Sunday. One of the girls said that she had been sick all Thursday. He said this was just diarrhea, with no sickness,

“I just felt like I had to go to the toilet all day.”
“Did you have enough
company toilet paper?” asked one of the other girls.

(He collects the part used rolls of toilet paper from the toilets in the morning, because he found out that the cleaners throw them away and put new ones on every day anyway). He carried on to tell us that all he did yesterday was iron and go to the toilet. He had told us about his routine of getting up at 7.00 in the morning on a Sunday and doing all the ironing. He then complained about his wife’s fancy clothes from Next. I don’t mind a few pleats, but when there’s twisted material, or on bit joined to another.