Computer movements

I think I had explained in earlier blogs that the company had been taken over and then sometime in the summer the new company had positioned second computers, screens and keyboards on everyone's desk; ready for the change-over. This left us with very little desk space. Then a couple of weeks ago we found that some of the new computers, which were just lying idle on the desks had been spirited away...nicked.
There was some talk of police involvement and security footage being watched, although security isn't the greatest and I imagine the police would just laugh at them for leaving the computers out, unused for anyone who wanted to, to pick up.
Today the IT guys came round to take them all away again. Partly because we will be moving floors at the end of November, for a while at least, while the air-conditioning is fixed. We aren't sure if we will be returning to the same floor, or if we will remain on the second floor.
Surely they would have been better off leaving the new machines in storage rather than leaving them for months on the wrong desks.

Diwali 2

Diwali was a bit more "in your face" this year. The canteen had got a special menu on for the week, not that I would try their effort at Indian or ethnic food. I asked a few of the guys in the office what it was all about, with a few different interpretations. Mostly it seemed that the asian blokes all had to go and meet their counsins and possibly less closely related friends in big gatherings in the pub. Hiten went missing the one morning, coming in really late with a hangover. Vits showed up later than normal on the Friday with a terrible hangover. Although they all assured me that they had to do it because it was a "religious thing".

It's for you

Lester and John are going to be greatly missed when they take their severance at the end of November. They were keeping everyone entertained first thing this morning again. Lester had been given and old LG phone which he hadn't got a clue how to work. He asked John if he would let him phone his mobile so that his number would come up on the display, so that he could find out what his own number was. John read out his number sloswly so that Lester could input it into his phone. When he'd typed in the number he then realised that he didn't know how to ring it. I shouted down: "It'll be the left hand button." Stu was closer and told him to hit the green button, but it didn't show up green until he hit it. He managed to dial, then John eventually answered his phone, although he took his time because his ring gets louder with each ring, and he liked to listen to it get louder, for some reason. John answered the phone with a "Hello Lester, are you phoning in sick again?" Then he read out Lester's number to him. Then Lester asked about if it would come up on the display as John next time he phoned John's number. So we explained to him that that would only happen if he had John in his contacts list. Of course; he didn't know how to input his number in to his address book.
By dinnertime Lester was complaining that he would never get the hang of the phone and that he was going to give it back.

Halloween

There was a special menu on down in the canteen for halloween, which got us talking about what we would cook for a nice halloween meal, when we went down for breakfast. Most things involved pumpkins, but Hiten and myself became a bit more inventive. I decided that a nice meatball mixture made into the shape of a brain would be good. Then I could stick holes in it, filled with tomato sauce, then with either prawns or thick spaghetti coming out of the holes to look like maggotts. It was only until it was too late to order that I found some brain molds here;

http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/zombies/aa74/; and here; http://www.firebox.com/product/1993/Zombie-Brain-Jelly-Mould?aff=1108.

On yer bike

Downstairs where the support guys live, Daz had told me on Monday that Sean, who cycles to work, had been involved in an accident that morning and was in A & E. He reckoned it wasn't a big smash, but he didn't know if his ribs had broken or not.
He was back in this morning telling me that the "fat had stopped him from being hurt too much". He had a badly bruised/swollen thumb and his left arm had been badly grazed. He explained that at the time he leaves for work it is still dark. At the junction with the traffic lights he can usually get up the left hand side of the cars; if not he jumps up onto the pavement where there was a dip in the kerb. However, that day he couldn't fit through the side of the cars, but they had been resurfacing the road, and the jump up onto the kerb was now a couple of inches.He went one way, on to the pavement, while his bike went along the kerb and into the car. He reckoned it was all in slow motion, and then he was lying on the floor for 5 minutes, winded. When he got up a bloke had come over to him, he thought to help him, so he told him that he was alright and that he could go. The bloke said that he wasn't going anywhere. He was the owner of the car that his bike had hit and he wanted some details from him.He looked at the blokes bumper and told him that it was only scuffed and that it would wipe off. Then the bloke, who Sean had gestured; only came up to his nipple area; said he was going to punch him.

"I've just come off my bike and you want to hit me?" he said.

They did exchange addresses and apparently this bloke had threatened him on the phone yesterday about paying for his damage.

Sean said "I wouldn't mind giving him £50 to have his scuff buffed up, but I ain't paying for a new bumper. The bloke was a prick."

I asked if Daz was in today. Sean told me that officially he was and that you could contact him on his mobile, but he knew that he was off, pointing at his bosses empty chair.

Tardis

Looking at one of the Council's notifications of new house naming and numbering this morning I was fairly amused to find somebody had been allowed to call their new house "The Tardis". I shared this with a couple of people on the e-mail. In reply I got:


"I think it’s going to be built last year."


"Modest exterior houses a surprisingly spacious interior with modern décor."


& "Doctor on call 24-7"

In his pants

There was a lot of talk this week that there was going to be Dress-Down Day every Friday from now on until everyone leaves. There was nobody to confirm this, we were all waiting for the boss to send out a mail confirming this. John even told Neil that it was Dress-Down Day today. So he felt a pillock on Friday when he ws the only one in the office in jeans & teeshirt. Jason was threatening to come in plain clothes anyway. Ned told him that if he did, he would make him work in his pants. He repeated this on Friday too. Jason said that there was something wrong with him to want to see him in his pants. He went on to tell him that he was wearing his Sesame Street Cookie Monster Pants.

Photos

Surprisingly;Bob came in on Monday with his compact digital camera and asked if we could all have our group team photograph taken, as that this was one of the last times that everybody would be together. He asked me if I minded organising the others. I told Ned; who thought it would be a good idea after the initial surprise. Unfortunately Ned went missing after dinner. So I spoke to the others, who Iwas shocked to find were all up for it, and organised it for Tuesday.
Just before dinner we all decided that we should have it taken outside in the sunshine, and grabbed Sam from one of the other departments to take it. he took two on Bob's cameraand two on Kerry's i-phone. Sadly Jason was playing up, sticking his fingers up for the first one and making more lewd gestures for another couple. Out of the four, only one of them was useable. I'll have to post the photo once I've annonomised all the faces.

Wasp

There are a lot more wasps about this year. They aren’t to be taken too lightly. Earlier on in the year Lee was stung by one at this desk, and his hand swelled up quite a lot. I can’t remember if I blogged about that, but I had to take him to the Asda to get the pharmacists advice; and ended up buying him some anti-histamines.

On Friday though there was one in the office. The air conditioning isn’t working and as the day wears on the office gets really hot, so we have to have fans on and open up the windows as wide as possible to get some breeze flowing through. I hadn’t noticed the wasp; engrossed in my work of course; until Vits and Jason shot up out of there seats and headed towards me.

My manager was in, and asked what the problem was. Jason was keeping a safe distance from the wasp, near the manager’s desk.
He said “I’ve never seen you move so fast.”
Jason replied “Only when I run from police and dogs.”
“And wasps!” said my manager.

The wasp flew up into the strip lighting unit above Jason’s desk and stayed there for a while. When it flew back down Lee opened up the windows as wide as possible and wafted the thing out, before slamming the windows shut behind it. Later on there were a couple of wasps on the window looking to come in.

Lecture

Most of my postings are work related, but on Friday I took my car in for its MOT and I heard this when I went to collect it. The mechanic was sorting out my bill and telling me that I needed to change my rear windscreen wiper. They had been sent three different ones by their suppliers during the day; ranging from a tiny 5” wiper to a 20” one, so they decided I needed to get a genuine Toyota one rather then a look-e-like one. While this was going on another customer came in who I recognised as being there at 8.15 in the morning dropping a vehicle off. Obviously a regular customer they greeted each other.

Mechanic 1: “How’s things?”
Customer: “It’s been a tough day.”
Mechanic 2: “Tough day?! You wouldn’t know a tough day if it turned round and bit you.”

They bantered for a little while then got on to talking about last week, when the police were swarming around trying to catch speeders, which they seem to do once a year. Then the customer got on to telling us about one of his drivers being pulled over by the police one of the nights.
Customer: “They asked him where he was going. He told them he was going to a lecture about binge drinking. “Binge drinking…” said the policeman “…who organises a lecture at 12.30 at night?”
“the wife” said the driver.

After laughing at that the mechanic serving me told us that he had been on holiday in Spain with the wife and another couple two weeks ago. They had been drinking in the hotel bar after their evening meal, and his wife had gone up to bed on her own at 11.00, leaving the others drinking. This bloke had stayed for another couple of glasses of wine (for some reason he couldn’t drink beer) then gone up to the room. When he got into the room his wife asked what time it was. He told her around 12.30. She said “You’re grounded!”
“Grounded?...”he said “…you can’t ground me!... I’m 50.”

Flats or Apartments

I was changing some of the address data we hold this morning, which had been updated by the post office. This entailed changing a load of "apartments" to "flats". Looking into the address history on the database the last entry for most of them read "address changed as per estate agents" on 14th September 2010. Obviously if you are an estate agent you are going to write "apartment" instead of "flat", because it sounds nicer. I wonder how many of the residents who receive their next mailing addressed to "flat" rather than "apartment" are going to feel cheated. I wonder if you could sue the estate agent for selling you an apartment which turns out later to be a flat? I also wonder who at the Post Office decides if a development is flats or apartments?
Also, is that a UFO behind it?

On the Fringe of Culture

Lester had been to Edinburgh for the end of last week. When he came in this morning Kerry had asked him about it and what he had gone to see. He explained that they hadn’t realised that the festival was on, and all he wanted to do was see the sights, but he couldn’t see much because of the crowds of studenty types handing out flyers and juggling. He hadn’t been to any of the shows, although he had picked up arm-fulls of flyers that he had been collecting. Everyone knows him to be a bit of a hoarder and laughed when he said that he was going to put them with his collections of bus tickets and beer festival flyers and beer mats.

Piercing surprise

To my surprise this morning Jason came in with a lip piercing in his bottom lip. He complained about how much it hurt and how swollen it was.
“Did they give you a local anaesthetic for it?” asked Lee.
“No just an antiseptic wipe.” …he continued “I went in and asked how they did it, and she explained she just sticks a needle in.”
He went on about how he wasn’t d fond of needles and how he had to keep his eyes shut. Then he went back on to how swollen it was. Lee said that it should settle down after a couple of days. Then he told us how he had felt like he was talking like Bubba off Forest Gump, followed by a really good impression which left us all in fits of laughter.

Getting bigger?

I had to answer the call of nature this morning after breakfast. John was in there washing his cereal bowl and mug.
Yesterday I had noticed him pouring his cereal into his bowl when I got in and had asked him "What are you having for breakfast?"
Before John could answer, Andy shouted over "Everything by the look of him!"
Back to this morning. I had entered my cubicle and doing my business, while John had finished his washing up and gone to the urinal. I'm not sure if he was at the urinal or was over at t he mirror when I heard him say to himself (I think) "Oh no I think it's grown."
This was followed by a second "Blimey, it has as well."...which I'm fairly sure was said looking in the mirrors by the sinks.
It has remained a mystery what he was talking about, or how big it had grown.

Interviews

Sadly, this week we are all having our counselling interviews to see where we might all fit in with the new structure, or if we want to volounteer for redundancy. Lee came back from his interview around 1 o'clock looking flustered and a little red faced. I asked him how he had got on. He said it had gone alright, but he had ended up having a bit of an argument with the new manager. I asked how he had managed to start an argument and he told me that he had disagreed with one of the guys answers. He had asked what was the main reason for one of our processes and Lee had said that the main reason was safety. The new manager had pressed him and carried on asking forn the main reason. The one outcome was that we all know what one of the questions is now, and the answer the boss is looking for is actually cost. I agreed with Lee though, and tried to make him happier by telling him that he was okay to disagree and question the boss on their first meeting.

Looting law

Being a little older than most of the rest of my team I am often asked for my opinion, as the voice of reason. So with the rioting and looting going on last week, a few of the guys were thinking they were missing out being stuck at work. They were looking at the photographs of the looters and laughing that they hadn't got the sense to cover their faces. The biggest laugh came from the picture of a woman looting Poundland for a multipack of crisps.

I was shocked to be asked by one of them if looting was legal. He thought that if the shop was open, out of hours, then it was his civic duty to keep the contents of the shop safe from any unsavoury characters. It was a good job that we'd kept him off the streets for thye day.

Oppressed by ball difference

With it looking very likely that everyone is going to break-up as a section, Ned has been trying to organise one last team event away from the office. His favourite idea involves a pool tournament, which he has organised in the past. He has been asking everyone if they are intereseted without actually telling them when he is proposing to do it. Jason has been winding him up about the last tournament, where Jason lost the final to Dan. Ned has been explaining that everybody pays £5 to go, part of which goers towards entry into the club. The rest of it being prizemoney for the winner. Apparently there should have been a play-off between the two of them, being a final, rather than Dan winning on "ball difference"-having potted more balls. It was late by the time of the final and people were leaving, so they decided to award the winner on "ball difference". Ned had got it all typed out, with spreadsheets of all the previous tournaments, with the results of all the games, stretching back years.
Dan came up from the other end of the office to talk to me about preparation for his counselling interview. He used to work with me on my old section, but now works in the furthest corner of the office away from my current section. Jason saw this as an opportunity and quized Dan about what he remembered about the tournament, which wasn't much. Dan went back to his end of the office while Jason continued moaning. Then he came out with his - "my people are used to being surpressed" -he meant oppressed, being mixed race; he like to be black when it suits him.
"You're oppressed?...he's Vietnamese...his family came over on a tiny boat to escape the oppression." I pointed out.
I went on to tell them about Lee's family coming over as refugees, and his story about staying in a fenced off camp for weeks before being dumped in the dodgiest area of the city when they were housed where nobody else would live.

New Era

Jason was amusing us with some of his warped morals when he came out with the fact that he keeps losing clothes. What he does is leave some of his clothes and other items at various girlfriends houses, which he imagines keeps them happy because they think he means to come back at some stage, which he doesn't always do. I asked if it was some scheme whereby he gets rid of his old clothes instead of taking them to the charity shop, but apparently not, he leaves some good stuff like addidas tracksuits, and his latest "New Era" hat.

Then he told us about this one girl who he had bored with. He had been round her flat and "Done what he had to do". Then left to go to the takeaway for some food, but decided he didn't want to go back. So he didn't, but he did want to get his hat back. So he decided to tell her that he had "lamped some geezer who was touching his car while he was in the takeaway." He then told that they had called the police and he had to spend the night in the cells.

A very complicated web.

Forms

Last week we had to complete a form to say which positions we were interested in for counselling purposes, to see who was going to stay and who was going to be made redundant. Most people had got theirs filled in and sent on time. Jason however was not particularly organised, asking anyone who came near him if they would fill in the form for him. Ned got so annoyed he agreed to do it. On the Tuesday morning we came in and Ned had filled out a form for Jason, along the lines of "Why are you interested in this job?...Because nobody else would employ me."
There was some other stuff, I'll have to sse if I can get a copy and scan it in to put it on the site.
We were in fits of laughter...he must have spent some time thinking about it.
Jason was flitting between just putting down that he wanted redundancy, and filling out his form properly in order to stay. He ended up going for the speedy option of saying he had no skills or training that would suit any of the vacant positions.

After maternity

One of the Debbies came back to work today after 6 months of maternity leave. She seened to spend most of the morning having her passwords all reset and even having software re-installed. Then just before dinner Sue started asking her how she was finding being seperated from her baby. She said she was okay today because the kid was with her mom, but Friday she was going to be concerned because the kid has to go to a nursery. She had wanted to return to work part-time, but with the redundancy thing going on, she wasn't able to get part-time.
Then, just before dinner, they had a terrible conversation about nappies. These days apparently they are so tight, with elasticated seams, that the doings stay put. However, this can make the nasty business all compacted. Then Sue went on about the fact that when she had her kids there was no such thing as disposable nappies, and she had to wash them all & re-use them. Not what you want to hear about just before dinner.