http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tragic_event_forces_man_to_spend
MAN TO SPEND REST OF LIFE CONFINED TO OFFICE CHAIR
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
Clean Your Desk
E-mail sent round by the boss
Subject: Clean Your Desk Day!
Team – As decided at our ‘O’ Group on Monday morning, we are going to ‘down tools’ at 1400hrs on Friday afternoon and have a concerted effort at tidying up our end of the office. To compensate for the energy used, tea and cakes will be provided at 1500hrs.
Fellow Managers – Should you wish to join in, please advise me of how many doughnuts you need (That is to eat and not help!).
Subject: Clean Your Desk Day!
Team – As decided at our ‘O’ Group on Monday morning, we are going to ‘down tools’ at 1400hrs on Friday afternoon and have a concerted effort at tidying up our end of the office. To compensate for the energy used, tea and cakes will be provided at 1500hrs.
Fellow Managers – Should you wish to join in, please advise me of how many doughnuts you need (That is to eat and not help!).
Friday, 3 August 2007
junior's week
Junior had originally booked Monday as a half day, because his brother was getting married the day before. Eventually when he got up on Monday he phoned in and asked for the whole day off. Then on the Tuesday morning he still wasn’t happy about something and asked the boss for the Tuesday afternoon off. On Thursday though, he did get quite a bit of work out. I said in passing to Alan “He’s done a good days work.”
“Yes” says Alan, “Spread over the week we do get about one days worth of work out of him”.
“Yes” says Alan, “Spread over the week we do get about one days worth of work out of him”.
Thursday, 2 August 2007
Fruit Day
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Like last year, for a couple of months during the summer, Wednesdays were declared “Fruit Day”. Around 11.00 on the Wednesday morning we get bowls of fruit distributed through the office, which you imagine would be a good gesture, but usually there is a lot of wastage. Usually the easy to eat fruit (bananas, grapes, etc) all goes very quickly, so you are left with oranges,(which are impossible to eat at work), apples, pears and nectarines (which are much less popular. At some stage last year they even had pineapple and melons (cut into pieces of course). Then the left over stuff remains lying around the office for the rest of the week, until Thursday afternoon and Friday become “Fruit football” days, where the left over apples and oranges are rolled down the office, kicked around, or lobbed at people’s heads.
Genuine slide from Julys Team Brief
This is taken from a real slide for Team Brief:
“A positive example of how raising awareness can influence our behaviour and make this a safer place to work.
On 31 January this year, we held ‘staircase day’. This was an opportunity for everyone based at office sites to take a short time out to learn about a major injury that involved a colleague falling down stairs and discuss our approach to safety.
In the four months prior there had been 27 incidents when people had fallen on stairs and in the four months since there has been a reduction to seven.
This improvement is down to your efforts in making sure you are aware of the risks and in challenging each other. A manager visiting the head office recently was seen to answer his mobile phone whilst walking up the staircase and was please to be challenged about a momentary lapse.
“I just wasn’t thinking, and was really pleased when someone stopped me and pointed out that I was putting myself at risk. My own and others safety is extremely important to me and this was a moment’s lapse that highlighted to me the need to be constantly aware and the importance of looking out for each other.” Colin Sankey, Head of Strategic Change,
People often don’t appreciate the impact that a momentary lack of concentration can have. Broken bones can mean that you can’t drive and/or be the family taxi, do the shopping, play sport and lots of other day-to-day things we take for granted. Are you confident to challenge unsafe behaviour when you see it?"
Yes, they really did spnd some time showing the staff how to walk up and down stairs properly.
“A positive example of how raising awareness can influence our behaviour and make this a safer place to work.
On 31 January this year, we held ‘staircase day’. This was an opportunity for everyone based at office sites to take a short time out to learn about a major injury that involved a colleague falling down stairs and discuss our approach to safety.
In the four months prior there had been 27 incidents when people had fallen on stairs and in the four months since there has been a reduction to seven.
This improvement is down to your efforts in making sure you are aware of the risks and in challenging each other. A manager visiting the head office recently was seen to answer his mobile phone whilst walking up the staircase and was please to be challenged about a momentary lapse.
“I just wasn’t thinking, and was really pleased when someone stopped me and pointed out that I was putting myself at risk. My own and others safety is extremely important to me and this was a moment’s lapse that highlighted to me the need to be constantly aware and the importance of looking out for each other.” Colin Sankey, Head of Strategic Change,
People often don’t appreciate the impact that a momentary lack of concentration can have. Broken bones can mean that you can’t drive and/or be the family taxi, do the shopping, play sport and lots of other day-to-day things we take for granted. Are you confident to challenge unsafe behaviour when you see it?"
Yes, they really did spnd some time showing the staff how to walk up and down stairs properly.
Alan’s head hunting
Alan had gone for a word with the boss this afternoon, which cleared up much of the to-ing and fro-ing that was going on regarding his non-existent job application. It turns out that Alan had been moaning about wanting to get a new job sometime soon, which was overheard by the Quality Assurance’s boss’s wife. She mentioned to Alex that there was a job advertised up on the sixth floor, to which Alan politely said “I might take a look”. She told him that he could apply, then he could always withdraw his application if he changed his mind. Then on the Monday they had the management meeting in which our boss asked QA’s boss how many people had applied for his vacancy. He told them ten, but they are expecting eleven. Then he became quite smug that they were going to poach Alan from us.
The boss from Quality Assurance on the sixth floor came round yesterday, showing some people from outside what goes on in our building. With my Team Leader being out he collars Alan to talk them through what we do. Alan is always very good at this, I always feel hassled doing this, in case I say the wrong thing or get too sarcastic that people can’t tell I’m joking.
Later in the afternoon Alan comes over for a chat and I ask him how he got on with them.
Apparently the QA boss had gone back later and asked why he hadn’t applied for the job on his section, after he had applied for a similar job many months before on a section his wife works on. The deadline for applications was yesterday, but Alan really wasn’t interested in working in that department. As I’ve said before, the sixth floor is a bit of a quiet place to work, but the QA section is worse than most. Whenever we have cause to go up there everyone has their head down working, no one is ever away from their desk and it just looks a really boring environment to work in. Coupled with the fact that it would have been a sideways move rather than a promotion, he decided it would be better to tell him that he is looking for a job outside the company now.
What I thought was odd was later on, our boss had come to see Alan and asked if he had put in for the job, and that they had been discussing him in a management meeting last week as a likely candidate. I’m not sure if our boss wanted him to go and move section (they haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything), or if he was concerned that he might loose Alan.
This morning though. The boss asked me if I knew what had been said between Alan and the boss of QA. I gave him a flippant answer saying that Alan told him his section was boring and he wasn’t interested in working for them. It sounded like the people who had applied for the job were unsuitable, less experienced staff, only looking for more money.
So when the deadline for applications had past and Alan hadn’t applied, it was our boss’s turn to be smug. They’re just like big kids really.
The boss from Quality Assurance on the sixth floor came round yesterday, showing some people from outside what goes on in our building. With my Team Leader being out he collars Alan to talk them through what we do. Alan is always very good at this, I always feel hassled doing this, in case I say the wrong thing or get too sarcastic that people can’t tell I’m joking.
Later in the afternoon Alan comes over for a chat and I ask him how he got on with them.
Apparently the QA boss had gone back later and asked why he hadn’t applied for the job on his section, after he had applied for a similar job many months before on a section his wife works on. The deadline for applications was yesterday, but Alan really wasn’t interested in working in that department. As I’ve said before, the sixth floor is a bit of a quiet place to work, but the QA section is worse than most. Whenever we have cause to go up there everyone has their head down working, no one is ever away from their desk and it just looks a really boring environment to work in. Coupled with the fact that it would have been a sideways move rather than a promotion, he decided it would be better to tell him that he is looking for a job outside the company now.
What I thought was odd was later on, our boss had come to see Alan and asked if he had put in for the job, and that they had been discussing him in a management meeting last week as a likely candidate. I’m not sure if our boss wanted him to go and move section (they haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything), or if he was concerned that he might loose Alan.
This morning though. The boss asked me if I knew what had been said between Alan and the boss of QA. I gave him a flippant answer saying that Alan told him his section was boring and he wasn’t interested in working for them. It sounded like the people who had applied for the job were unsuitable, less experienced staff, only looking for more money.
So when the deadline for applications had past and Alan hadn’t applied, it was our boss’s turn to be smug. They’re just like big kids really.
Wednesday, 1 August 2007
Dictaphone man
Some old guy comes into the office looking round, stops in the middle, says something into a Dictaphone he has in his hand and goes over to the coffee machine. He gets himself a cup of coffee, talks some more into his Dictaphone, then walks off out of the office.
“Who was that?”
“Haven’t got a clue.”
“What was he saying into his machine?”
“He was talking too quiet to hear.”
“Probably – “I’m going to get a nice cup of coffee now”.
“Maybe he has Alzheimer’s disease. So he has to talk into the machine so that he can remember what he’s supposed to be up to.”
“What, like- “I’m going to the fourth floor to get a cup of coffee. I’m wondering aimlessly around the office until I find a coffee machine. I’ve found a coffee machine, is that what I was looking for? Why did I want the coffee machine? What’s my name again? How does this Dictaphone machine work?””
“He’s probably gone out into the corridor now to listen back to find out where he came from.”
“Do you think he’s only gone to get a loaf of bread from the shops and got lost?”
“That reminds me of the boss at my first job.”
“Why did he have Alzheimer’s?”
“No. He had a Dictaphone. Everyone else in the office had to write out their letters in rough and hand them over to the typing pool. One day one of the guys asked him “can I borrow your Dictaphone?” Of course he said “No, use your finger like everyone else.”
“Who was that?”
“Haven’t got a clue.”
“What was he saying into his machine?”
“He was talking too quiet to hear.”
“Probably – “I’m going to get a nice cup of coffee now”.
“Maybe he has Alzheimer’s disease. So he has to talk into the machine so that he can remember what he’s supposed to be up to.”
“What, like- “I’m going to the fourth floor to get a cup of coffee. I’m wondering aimlessly around the office until I find a coffee machine. I’ve found a coffee machine, is that what I was looking for? Why did I want the coffee machine? What’s my name again? How does this Dictaphone machine work?””
“He’s probably gone out into the corridor now to listen back to find out where he came from.”
“Do you think he’s only gone to get a loaf of bread from the shops and got lost?”
“That reminds me of the boss at my first job.”
“Why did he have Alzheimer’s?”
“No. He had a Dictaphone. Everyone else in the office had to write out their letters in rough and hand them over to the typing pool. One day one of the guys asked him “can I borrow your Dictaphone?” Of course he said “No, use your finger like everyone else.”
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