Nige's customer service

Mark comes down and starts riffling through Nige’s desk, while Nige is sitting at this desk. Nige turns and smiles at him. He doesn’t even ask what he’s looking for, he waits for Mark to ask:
Mark: “Where are your music DVDs?”
Nige: “At home. I don’t bring them in to work, unless someone asks for an old one.”
Mark: “You don’t have any here?”
Nige: “No I keep them all in one carrier case.”
Mark: “How about any other music you bring in to listen to?”
Nige: “No, I’ve got my mp3 player.”
Mark: “What am I going to listen to then.”
Me: “Listen to Jim singing live.”
Mark: “Very funny.”
Nige: “He’s got a great voice.”

Mark: “Have you done what I’ve suggested?”
Nige: “What’s that?”
Mark: “You know, put all the dance music on the just dance DVD. All the rock music on a rock DVD?”
Nige: “No. I don’t have the time to do that. You get them how they come.”
Me: “How about the people that have a wide range of music taste? Or the ones that like the rock, but their nieces want the dance stuff, they would have to buy two DVDs then.”
Nige: “I’m bringing in this weeks tomorrow, why don’t you have a copy, then you can split it up however you want to.”
Mark: “Surely you should give me it in the format I want it in.”
Nige: “It’s not worth it. It’s not worth my time and effort for a quid to mess about re-arranging things.”
Mark: “Why not? What else do you have to do with your time?”

Silence, while they both think for a while.

Nige: “I’ll tell you what. Just for you, I’ll bring in my back catalogue tomorrow and you can look through and see which ones you want copies of. But you won’t get the copies until Monday, because I’m off on Friday.”
Mark: “What am I going to listen to over the weekend then?”
Me: “Have you got your free memory stick from last week?”
Mark: “Yes.”
Me: “Well if he brings in this weeks tomorrow you can stick some on that for the weekend.”
Mark: “That’s not a bad idea actually.”
Nige: “Only as a sampler though, just so you’ve got stuff to listen to over the weekend. Or if you want some stuff for tomorrow have a look on this site…” (shows him the HMV internet site which tells you this weeks releases).
Mark: “HMV?”
Nige: “Yes HMV, the site with a picture of Clive on.”
Me: “Let’s see.”

I walk round to have a look, there’s a picture of Shrek on the top menu.

Me: “I thought it was going to be the cartoon drummer out of the Gorillas.”
Nige: “Take a look through them and give me a list and I’ll do them for you on a DVD for tomorrow.”
Mark: “See. That’s customer service for you.”
Nige: “You’re not the brightest firework in the box are you?” (As Mark walks away)

Absence of manager

I am one of the more senior staff left in charge this week, with virtually all the bosses and team leaders swanning off on holiday. This is part of the e-mail my boss sent round before he left on Friday:
"Absence of Manager
Team,

As discussed this morning, as I will be homeless and likely to be living in the print room from the 21st of September, I am taking next week off as holiday to go ‘house hunting’.

As a consequence, the support of the Data Technicians will be more important than usual in ensuring that it is only a ‘holiday’ for those that have booked it!

As previously directed, there will be no overtime on Sunday the 26th of August. Now, given that the Team Leaders that usually do overtime are all out that week, there will also be no overtime on Sunday the 2nd of September. (Carl – Please ensure that Double Dee is aware of this!)

Kind regards"

That is the standard of his management skills, he really has sold his own house from underneath himself and is now desperately looking for somewhere to live.

Meanwhile- back at the "coal face" it was fruit day again. I've got lots more takers for fruit juggling since I put steve on You tube. There's been lots of juggling going on (a kind of audition), although once you've got one video of someone juggling with fruit, it does seem a bit much to clog the rest of my blog up with more of the fools.

Nige on the London Eye

Nige is off next week for a few days to go to London. One of the Dave’s is having a go because he is taking his missus to see “Joseph”, which Dave id telling him is effeminate, or even gay. On top of this Nige lets slip that he is also planning to go on the London Eye, which is not his choice because he is scared of heights. He says that he is going to stand in the middle of the car with his eyes shut for most of the time, which mark tells him is about 40 minutes. Mark has been on and enjoyed it, he didn’t realise there was so much greenery in London. Dave tries to tell Nige that the cars are very wobbly, and knowing that Nige can’t swim reminds him that the whole thing is above the Thames, so if any of the cars fall off, they’re going straight into the water.
“Surely that’s better,” I say “…being a softer landing than the tarmac.”
“Not if you can’t swim,” says Dave.

Boss's performance

Before the boss goes on holiday for a week,he sends us this e-mail(which I think is serious):

"Team, I need a favour!

I am looking to get some 360 feedback on how you view me as a manager. Now I could ask you to fill in the umpteen page on screen questionnaire and let some consultant dress the results up prior to me seeing them, but as you are no doubt already thinking, that isn’t my style.

So this is what I am looking for…….

• While I am away next week, as I value your opinion, I would like you to consider ON YOUR OWN - What I am good at? What I am bad at? How do you view me?

• I would like you type up your answers so that they are anonymous, put them in an envelope and then put them in the fruit bowl to the right on my computer. I would appreciate more than one word answers and if applicable without it implicating the author, any examples supporting your comments.

As I appreciate that the comedians amongst you will not be able to help yourselves, all I ask is that you only put in one entry and that you highlight any remarks that I should not consider to be serious.

When considering your responses, please bear in mind that:

• I am the Section Manager as opposed to a Team Leader.

• Whether or not your working conditions have improved or worsened in the last two and half years as a result of me.

• Your own contribution to the Section.

Should you not take part, I will be forced into sending you the electronic invite!"

Towards the end of the afternoon, when a few people have left early, we get onto discussing the e-mail and what we should put on our comments.
Eric comes out with the fact that he doesn’t really have anything to do with him.

Me: “Maybe that’s a good management style to have? You don’t realise that he is managing you. Kind of …effortless.”
Alan: “He doesn’t do anything.”
Me: “That’s it I’m putting “he has an effortless style of management, that everyone envies.”

Then the boss comes to the coffee machine and says:

Boss: “You’re not supposed to be conferring. Your supposed to put your own views.”
Me: “Eric just wanted to know how to spell crap.”

Japan getting rid of internet

Yesterday I was very shocked to read:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/technology/technology.html?in_article_id=476766&in_page_id=1965
“Japan in plans to get rid of the internet by 2020”.
Apparently they want to replace it with something better. We spent most of the afternoon discussing how they could make it better. One of the Steve’s came up with the idea of a telepathic world wide web, probably needing implants:
“Brain implants…not…bosoms.” He qualified his comment by looking down at his chest area.

I did try adding our comments to the Daily Mail site, but they didn’t accept them for some reason. I’m going to give up trying to add comments to the newspapers’ sites, if they’re just going to ignore them.

Steve juggles with fruit

One of the Steve's juggling with leftover fruit.

Morale (Fruit and mints diet)

Since getting his promotion, Junior has wanted to create better morale in the team. At his previous job they had pool tables and other such niceties to make the staff more relaxed and feel special. Fruit and mint diet. He does this in small steps, so one of his latest schemes has been to bring in a selection of mints (humbugs, soft-mints, glacier mints), but he’s only kept these for his small section, rather than spreading it throughout the rest of the team. So partly to piss him off and partly because I fancy a mint occasionally, I like to put a couple of mints in my pocket each time I have to go near his desk. I’m not sure if Junior has realised yet, but plenty of other people have seen me doing it.
I’ve also become more conscious about my waistline, and have been avoiding the sandwiches from the canteen in the morning. Instead, I’ve been having bits of fruit.
This morning Alan asked if I was going down for breakfast (this is before Junior has got into work yet). I explain that these days I am avoiding the breakfast sandwiches from the canteen and am on a diet of fruit and mints, which they have a bit of a laugh about. Alan and one of the Steve’s go down for breakfast, leaving me talking to Eric (who doesn’t have breakfast anyway) discussing if I could convince him to be filmed trying to juggle for my blog.
Junior came in late, so the others had all been down for breakfast. He does manage to get Karen worked up enough to go down for a sandwich in the canteen with him. I noticed they had both gone, so I saunter over to grab some more mints, and to see what’s going on.

Me: “Has she taken him off to give him a bollocking.”
Alan: “No they’ve gone down to the canteen for breakfast.”
Me: “I’ve managed to convince Eric to be filmed juggling for my blog.”
Eric: “ No you haven’t!”

Alan has been off for a couple of days. I ask him about the new blog he’s set up, but only put one post on as yet (meant to be a way of giving himself something to do rather than play World of Warcraft with all his spare time). I tell him about the “Road-show” IT laid on yesterday, when we all managed to come away with a free 512 memory stick, which we’d also managed to clear up does not contraband the IT policy to use on your works machine. Alan pointed out that it only takes one person with a virus on their home computer to bring the memory stick back into work and infect the rest of the company. We then go on top reminisce about the old viruses, like the “cookie monster virus” and some that Alan had written himself, that just sat on the machine, then randomly minimised and maximised whichever windows were open on your machine, which sounds like good clean fun.

Just then, while my hand is in the goody jar, Junior and Karen come back. I keep my hand closed tight around the mints, and asks them what they’ve got.

Me: “I thought you’d given up the fatty breakfasts from the canteen?”
Junior: “This is my first one for a few weeks. Aren’t you eating the sausage sandwiches any more?”
Me: “No I’m watching my waist, I’m on a new diet of mostly fruit.” (deliberately not mentioning the mints)
Karen: “…And mints.”

Crazy Helen

Crazy Helen calls me over for some help, which I’m always annoyed at anyway, because all her problems are all to do with her brain not working or not following the right procedure. She shows me the project she’s been sent to work on and suggests that there’s some parts missing. After a good look I agree that there is some paperwork missing, and she needs to phone someone to get the rest sent over. Then she shows me a bunch of paperwork that she had taken out, that she was going to discard as nothing of any importance. Sure enough, in the pile of discarded paperwork, was the very document we were looking for.

Eric's yawn

The boss has a quick chat to Karen about something important then walks off. After 4 or 5 steps he turns back and says to Eric: “Could you do me a favour? Next time I walk away could you not yawn.
It looks as if you’re just about to say “has that boring fart gone yet?””