Friday, 16 March 2007

Comic Relief 2

There’s not much happening today. Half of my guys are out on training for the second day running, so it’s quite quiet. It’s a dress down day for Comic Relief. My lot are quite boring and haven't actually dressed up as anything, even though there was all the talk of Batman and robin a couple of days ago.
I’m not looking forward to the usual people coming round collecting and wanting you to buy raffle tickets for crap prizes. On the good side – last time round some of the younger ladies from the floors below did come round wanting you to buy their cakes, dressed as very sexy nurses or a couple were dressed as cowgirls, with the shortest of skirts. Anyway, they’re probably old enough to be my niece if not daughters. With not much going on so far I’ll tell you some old stories to do with smut and innuendo which happens in the office a lot.

Alan is showing me the handwriting recognition function on his PDA. It works quite well. He writes Hello this is a test. Then I have a go and write “I’ve just bost Alan’s machine”. It translates this as “I’ve just bust Alanis machine”, which isn’t bad. Alan then points it towards Jen thinking she wants a go. She’s actually eating an orange and has juice all over her fingers. “Not right now,” she says, “I’m all sticky”.
It’s only a matter of who’s fastest to come back with saying “And you’ve got orange juice all over your hands.” This is the level of smut that we enjoy in the office.
Eventually Jen finishes her orange and goes to the toilets to wash her hands.
When she comes back I have to say “Have you got rid of the stickiness?”
She replies with “And I’ve washed my hands”. To which Alan and I erupt into laughter.

This reminds me of young Andy from the other end of the office. He’s best described as the office slacker in his twenties (he gets away with doing as little as possible, keeps his mp3 player on all day, even if he’s talking to you he’ll only take one ear-piece out). If he comes down to use the coffee machine he chats to everyone while he gets his round in. Sarah is heading towards fifty and has worked for the company since she left school. She shows the new recruits all the software packages we use and has to try and keep the lazy sods from falling asleep at their desks (which happens, we took a photo of fat Dave asleep the other afternoon. Then when he went for his performance review the next day – it was bought up as an issue. He denied being asleep, although he probably wouldn’t realize it was happening. In fact the guy who took his photo got into trouble for doing it. The boss said that it would look like everyone was ganging up on Fat Dave to get rid of him if he produced the photo. This is insane – The guy was asleep at his desk, and we have photographic evidence - & this could work in Fat Dave’s favour?)
Anyway I’m moving away from the point. You wouldn’t imagine that Sarah would be up for a bit of smutty innuendo, and you would think she wouldn’t get on with the office slacker, which makes it all the more funny.
They get to the coffee machine at the same time and Andy is polite and lets her in first, but then says “Can I press your buttons?” To which she replies “You can press my buttons anytime.”
Now every time they meet at the coffee machine he will ask if he can press her buttons for her. Or she will ask him “Aren’t you going to press my buttons for me today?” if he doesn’t say something first.

Bob and Clive are in the print room. Both of them could give Fat Dave a run for his money.
Bob: “Why do Russians wear tight underpants?”
Clive: “I’ve got no idea”.
Bob: “ Because they’re scared Chernob‘ll fall out”.
Clive: “That’s very poor you need some new material”
Bob: “That’s what I thought when I saw that shirt. It is bulging a bit.”

Bob then goes on to call Clive Sausage fingers as he’s trying to fix one of the printers.

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