Friday, 8 June 2007

Neil’s brother’s stag night preparations

Neil did see the stag night as a sure bet for him to pull, I don’t know why, a big bunch of drunken men taking the piss out of each other all night. Still he was hopeful, even when he got his black eye. Dan reckoned that his only chance of pulling was if he put eye-liner on the other eye and hung around at the goth disco.
Anyway after all the indecision of what they were going to be dressed up as (yes, they are going in fancy dress) they decided on a cowboy theme. So he’s been telling us all about what he’s got for his costume. He sounded like a real expert on fancy dress. He explained that he was going to wear his own jeans and checked shirt, because the shirts that they hired out were shoddy looking and very baggy. He’s also wearing his own boots, but today he managed (or his mom managed) to get some spurs to fit onto them. He’s got an oversized sheriffs badge.
“How big is over size?” I asked.
He opened his hand wide, indicating it was virtually the size of his hand.
“That is over size.” I said.
He smiled back.
His other great excitement was that he had found some leather chaps to hire. This made Dan’s ears prick up.
“Leather chaps?” he said “are they the ones with no arse in them?”
“No you wear them over your jeans. They just cover your legs.”
“You’re going to a nightclub in leather chaps. I bet you’re not really wearing jeans underneath. I’ve seen those documentaries on channel 5.”
“No Dan, “ I tell him, “Cowboys wear jeans underneath them. Perverts wear them with no jeans on, and their arse hanging out.”
“He’s wearing a cowboy hat as well man. Cowboy hats are gay.”
There is further talk of ponchos, but apparently the ones in the dressing up shop (it sounds like an episode of Mr Ben, but he was never that fussy and wore whatever the shopkeeper had without quarrelling over sizes and colours. He was a cartoon I suppose, so wouldn’t have too much trouble with that kind of thing) were bright, multi-coloured affairs. Not the kind of thing that Clint would be seen dead in.

The big worry I thought of was that they were all going armed with toy guns. Apparently some of the guns aren’t that toy-like either. One of his mates has got a pair of pistols and a shotgun to carry round with him. Coupled with bullet belts, which they all have, I can not only see the bouncers not letting them in. I can see a large amount of the constabulary turning out, armed to the teeth, to try stopping these drunken marauders running round the city centre.

I can see Neil’s best bet of a shag is when they all get thrown into the police cells.

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